Busy

Had what felt like a busy day away from home.
It's amazing to me how much emotional energy it takes to leave the house and do anything.
My errands were fairly simple.
I made a stop at the funeral home to get my husbands flag, neatly folded and placed in a protective case.
(I had a moment, once inside the car)
I need to find a nice wooden box for it.
He was entitled to a headstone, a bronze plaque or a medallion. Since he chose to be cremated I selected the medallion to affix to a final cremation urn. I just haven't found the one I want yet.

A trip to Social Security went as I was told to expect but learning that I would not be able to get benefits  from my husband until I turned 60 was still hard to hear.
(I had a moment inside the car)

I enjoyed lunch with a precious friend who ministers to my heart. We shared laughter, tears and prayer. 

Not a lot of things but enough to make me feel completely exhausted.

Psalm 119:28

My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word.

 

Grief Group

I attended a grief group yesterday.
It was nice, intimate and non threatening.
I only needed one tissue.

I am hoping that through this I can not only help myself remain whole through this grief process but also help another. I seriously fear getting stuck in the grief and not getting out. Bitter and angry are 2 emotions that do not suit me.
I am also hoping I can feel filled again.
Right now, I feel empty.  I can't quite put my finger on it to describe yet. I don't feel depressed, been there done that not wanting to return, I have moments of happy and sad but I'm just empty, still looking for a purpose.
I've prayed that if this is how God wants me, than I am His to fill.
Until then I'm walking hollow and displaced.

I had a moment in conversing with someone when I started to say, "my husband" and for a microsecond I wondered, do I get to still say he is my husband?
I did say it, my heart and mind are still married. My memories are too.
Yet in that microsecond a wave of emotion plowed me over.
Where do I even fit in anymore?
UGH I hate being caught off guard!

Some Days Are Going to be Like That

Since my husband didn't want any kind of public service, we had a family gathering on Sunday. It was nice to be together.

Yesterday was a struggle, no that sounds too easy, fight. Yesterday was a fight emotionally so the dogs and I spent most of the day in bed.
crying
It ended that way too.
I cried myself to sleep.

Sensory Overload

Feeling a little better I accepted an invitation to do a little errand running with my daughter and her husband. I haven't been out of the house for very much. The weather is changing for the better and a light sweater was comfortable enough.
It still feels odd to just walk out the door without making sure things and people are in place. The ride was another emotion. When I drive I have to concentrate on my surroundings and stay alert for safety, when another drives I can just look out at the scenery. A melancholy ride even though I participated in chit chat and light and fun conversation.
We weren't gone long to mix among the masses when I began to feel very, very tired. I had to concentrate so hard on what I was doing and saying. I think I may have gone into sensory overload and I was even having a difficult time talking in sentences that made sense. It was enough to frustrate me at one time. Of course my daughter and I joked that maybe I was having a stroke but I ran through what I remembered about the FAST check for a stroke

F ace - My face wasn't drooped and my smile raised equally on both sides and I was able to stick out my tongue at her.
A rms - I was able to raise both arms above my head without weakness or numbness but I did hit the headliner in the car
S peech - I was able to communicate all my words clearly
T ime - had I had any of the above issues it would have been time to call for help

No, I'm pretty confident that my crazy word finding and slow reactions and extreme exhaustion were all part of my sensory overload and with time it will go away.

Not Lost

When someone dies, especially a loved one, I try not to say the word lost.
Lost makes me feel like the death was somehow my fault, I lost someone.
It also makes me feel like I can find them again.

My husband is not lost, My belief in Christ gives me faith that my husband resides in Heaven with the Lord. If I know where he is, how can he be lost?

No, I try not to say lost.
Pass away sounds better, sounds gentle, sounds peaceful yet still sad.
But lately, I've been using the word died.

I've had contact with a few of the outside world that didn't know about my husband.
So I had to inform them that he died.
Died sounds so harsh and final.
I've been having to practice saying the word to myself.
I've had to say it so the shock of it doesn't hurt.
Lost feels guilty, passed away sounds polite, died is final. Final.
I need to say died so I don't get stuck in the guilt or the politeness.
I think I may not be able to move forward if I get stuck there.
I worry about how I will respond when people ask. I need to know I will be ok when they do and I can give a straight forward answer without falling apart. I need to control how I react.
So I practice saying, out loud, "My husband died."
I can practice it without crying. I am making progress.

"How are you doing?",  is another one I work on.
"One day at a time"
"One moment at a time"
"I'm doing well"

In one morning in less than 5 minutes, all my efforts were tested and I failed miserably.
Tomorrow is another day.

I'm right here

Half asleep ,
half awake,
I heard my husband say "Kathy, where you at?"
I answered, "I'm right here"
and I woke myself up.
My tears aren't lost.

I even had a moment in the driveway as I was retrieving the trash can. No waiting for an aide to come and sit, not hurry to get it and get back before I was needed. I cried and I cried out for the Lord to listen to my heart because lately I don't even know what I need to pray for and sometimes even how. I thanked Him for loving me through it all.
I brought the trash can to the house.

Press on

I'm still not sick. I haven't been sick for 4 days now. (rolls eyes)
I'm glad I'm not sick, otherwise I wouldn't be able to function at all.
I'm still taking OTC meds. Yesterday I told my daughter I felt like a zombie.

I'm having a difficult time sorting out the (non) illness and the grief.

I managed a shower yesterday and I found myself just standing in the bathroom. I just stood there long enough to be completely dry and hair half dried.  My mind clicking away in prayer, thoughts, memories. Fast and furious but I never moved. Somehow I finally snapped out of it.

When I told my daughter about it she said I should place the box of meds on the counter. I told her I would with a note and the passwords to all of my stuff. We decided to make the passwords in riddles, I suggested words with friends. It feels good to smile.

The emptiness continues.
 Oddly I realized I never cried yesterday. Maybe I'm out of tears, maybe my meds have stolen them. Maybe I'm too tired. I am very tired, but I press on.

Royal seating

I woke up sick on Monday. Great, just what I needed.
Horse, growly deep voice, a deep cough, pressure on my neck and chest, generally feeling yucky. I chose to make a Dr appt, just to kick it before it got worse, besides, as a full time caregiver, finding time to go to the Dr was not a top priority for myself. Now I have all the time there is.
Couldn't get in so I had to wait until yesterday, still feeling bad, still coughing, still hard to breath, I made my way in, waited, finally saw someone and I was given the once over after the initial questions, one which was "Do you have any feelings of depression?" to which I replied through tears, "No"
I don't think they believed me.

After my exam I was declared illness free.
illness free?
I guess I am pretend sick?
I hope I get a pretend bill!
I chose to treat it with OTC multi symptom cold meds.

There are small changes that need to be cared for in the home. One of those is the removal of the handicapped toilet seat we have had for a few years.
When we originally got it, it was difficult to adjust to. My toes were the only things that touched the floor when I sat down. After my husband fell and broke the toilet a few weeks back, I had to replace it. The new one is just ever so slightly higher, so then my toes barely touched the floor when I sat down.
Yesterday I removed the seat and replaced it with a regular one.
Doing so was emotional for me. Afterward I had the voice of Howie Mandel's Bobby going through my head "It's my potty and I'll cry if I want to."
Yeah, I know
Now I have to adjust to the lower seat and panic sets in every time I sit.

name calling

As I was drifting off to sleep, I heard my husband call my name last night.

I keep purposely smelling everything in the bedroom. Pillows, blankets, his clothes.
Why do I think I will be comforted by it?
I am completely focused on the moments he was kind, outwardly happy or sleeping peacefully. It's as if my brain doesn't want to remember how much he suffered with his Lewy Body dementia in full swing.
Maybe it's a guard  around my heart.
He is so much better off unchained from the lewy monster and I am left to start over with my feelings and thoughts. I don't have any regrets, just empty wandering. I wanted so much to keep him home but the reality was he was beyond a level of care I was able to provide. In having him hospitalized, I was able to concentrate on just loving him. I still concentrate on just loving him.

Day 6

The emptiness is overwhelming.

The struggle of knowing what to do or where to go next is just that, a struggle.
I feel as though I've been in a massive whirlpool going around and around all the while holding my husband and then it suddenly, finally stopped. Not only is my husband not in my grips, I'm still dizzy and struggling to catch my breath. Where is the shore?

My prayers for direction continue and the answers are all, wait.
So I will.

The prayers for peace continue, I can tell these are answered with yes. I truly do feel a peace. The peace doesn't take away from my sorrow. It makes it more bearable. I wonder how people without hope ever survive.
Another way I can tell the answers have been yes, I woke with some sort of bronchial illness. I couldn't get anyone from the Drs on the phone so I decided to just go into town, see if they were open and make a stop for meds at the local store. They were open and appointment scheduled for tomorrow! WOW not next week! AND I didn't have any overwhelming thoughts of kicking or punching anything. Those feelings have me a little confused but I'm pretty sure they will subside.
I hope.

Sun Feb 16 small steps

I can barely function today. My eyes feel like lead.
The slow motion continues.
I know it's only been 5 days but, 5 days! Seems like yesterday, yet almost a week has slipped away. When does the slow motion feeling stop while the world whizzes by?

Realized I don't need to sort the eating utensils. I have 2 different styles and he didn't like one of them so I kept the forks separate. I started to sort them anyway but made the small step of change by not doing it.

Got through that

A year of firsts are always hard. Might as well jump in the deep end, so Valentines Day was a good place to start. You always think the BIG events would be hard, but reality for me is the small things are most difficult.

The moon was big bright and beautiful last night. I love the moon. It comes up right at the end of my driveway.  When we built our house I started telling people that my husband loved me so much he gave me the moon. I used to ask him to come look at it with me. Lots of times he did, but not always. I stepped outside in the cold to watch the big red circle rise. As I stood there I was overwhelmed by it's beauty and burst into prayerful tears.

A nightly ritual with an almost 3 yr old grandson had me praying to keep my heart guarded. I began dreading nite nite kisses before it was even close to time.
 Psalm 4:1 Answer me when I call to you,
    my righteous God.
Give me relief from my distress;    have mercy on me and hear my prayer.
Fortunately he came, offered kisses and never said anything else as he went to bed. 
Another blessing.

I'm tired but making myself go to bed is difficult. I actually sleep, when I finally do. The dogs keep me tucked in, one on each side of me in close contact. I knew I shouldn't have but I got up anyway and brought the box of cremains to the bed and laid them on my husbands side. I'll try not to do that again, it's not a good thing emotionally but I needed to do it, at least once.

Valentines

The funeral home called yesterday afternoon and said that my husbands cremains were ready. That was faster than I expected. His certificates were also ready, that was a surprise. My son accompanied me to the funeral home, the other kids all volunteered to go too, the sons volunteering was more of a statement. I was fine with that.
It's valentines day. Ashes and certificates are a far cry from candy and flowers.
I feel like I have no direction and someone needs to point the way for me.
Slowly the direction comes, just when I need it and not overwhelmingly. A letter from the Social Security office informed me to make an appointment. The said bring my marriage certificate. It was an emotional retrieval. At least it's a step forward.

There are so many things to take care of around the house, I don't know where to start. I managed to throw away a pair of old house shoes that belonged to my husband without incident but after that I was paralyzed to do anything else.
I wish cleaning was part of my grief.
I guess I could do one thing a day until the process becomes easier. I'll have to start with what I can do and it seems like my husbands candy drawer is as good place as any to start.

News Paper and Sunshine

Thurs Feb 13- Went searching for a paper today. Decided I wanted 6. Poked my money in the machine and opened it to find only 5 available, including the one in the window. Only 5. I pulled them all out then paid for them one by one opening and closing the door after the correct change was inserted each time. I did this in case the door jammed or the change jammed. I wondered how much trouble I could get into for throwing the box across the parking lot. I never had to find out. God has been so good to me.

The recent ice storm we had broke a tree top and it was lying across the driveway. It needed cut so I went out to clean it up. It felt good to get outside in the sunshine and blue skies. No time restrictions or concerns. That made me cry when I thought about it.
I'm working, walking, thinking in slow motion. Sometimes I think I'm breathing in slow motion too.
I still have a sense of peace but it feels like it's in the bottom of a very deep box. I'm very tired.

Obituary

I had to take care of some final things at the funeral home, one of those the obituary notice.
Knowing what the final outcome was for us anyway, I actually wrote it a long time ago leaving the blanks to be filled in. I knew having to do it during a time of grief would feel almost impossible. I'm glad I had the forethought to do that.
The newspaper charges by the word. They give you 50 words for free. I'm a package of M&Ms, they gave me one.

Bobby Conard Lowrey

Feb 11, 2014

That was that.
Over, finished, the end.
After kissing my husband several times, I walked out of the room on a very cold day. The funeral director handed me a booklet for remembrances. It was white.
Someone taped a picture of a dove on the room door.
Outside the room was the bed with the baby blue body cover on it. I ran my hand over it as I passed by. It was soft.
Accompanied by my youngest daughter we walked through double doors into an empty lobby to the parking lot. I stopped to find my car keys and put on my coat. I threw the book across the room.
I started my trip home and got stopped at a red light. I had a moment of pure pain that resulted in screaming.
For a moment I couldn't depress the accelerator and I wanted so badly for the guy behind me to honk at me. I wanted to get out of my car and kick his. I was hurting and I wanted someone else to hurt too. But it didn't happen, I drove home.
I prayed for the peace I had been experiencing to continue.
The radio was on.
I made 2 stops. A family friend I promised to keep contacted and the post office. Mail hadn't been checked in over 2 weeks.
I finished the journey home.
Overcast, grey, cold, ice storms earlier in the week, threats of snow lingering about, dreary, yet as I rounded a curve to top the final hill, in the distance was a clearing of clouds and bright blue skies. Peace.
The day came to an end. I needed a shower but part of me still smelled like my husband. I wouldn't wash it off. I cried myself to sleep once I hit the bed but I slept.