It's not as consistently close as it used to be but I still see it. Out of the corner of my eye I keep watch on it.
"Stay busy and it wont bother you", I tell myself. That's true to some degree.
Sometimes I have to dodge it. I know it will sting so I drop everything and run around a corner to hide from it. My heart racing and breath heavy but I try to keep those in check. I close my eyes, take a breath and step out to carry on with the day.
It's been 18 months since my husband moved into his eternal home.
A year and one half.
I still feel
like I need to fight to get through some days. Mostly the all alone days.
They are getting better though.
I'm not wallowing around
in the grief, it just feels like a little black cloud that comes out of nowhere and I can't
outrun or hide from for very long before it rains on me.
This is not my first experience in dealing with death. My mother died, my grandparents have all died, friends and loved ones have died.
This, this is so different in many ways.
One of the oddest is the change in relationship with others. This is going to sound funny so bear with me.
I LOVE the job I have, the people I work with, the people I associate with! I'm happy, healthy, ok ok I have some improvement that can be made but don't we all? I'm emotionally stable. I'm truly doing well overall and fighting grief is all part of the process. In other words, I'm normal. Stop laughing now.
For a little while I wasn't sure though.
I was experiencing something I couldn't quite put my finger on. I finally asked other remaining spouses if they had the same thing and the answer has been YES. So, here it is.
At first there was a detachment to all others. It felt like I was all alone in a very crowded room. Then I connected to a core group of family but it felt like everyone else was far away. In making progress it started to feel like I was getting closer to others but there was a wall between us. Eventually the wall thinned and came down. Yet now, even though I can appreciate and enjoy others, I have this odd sensation that we are still separated by plastic wrap. That's the best I can explain it. I can reach out and touch and interact but still not making complete contact with everyone. It's a very odd sensation and I hope it wont last a long time. I miss...me.
