Breathe, step forward, repeat

The seasons changed from Summer to fall.
The fall changed to winter even though the temperatures haven't realized the time of year it is.
The time changed, the weather changed, the leaves changed and fell.

The holidays are in full swing and almost over with now. This year I decided I needed to do something, anything more than I have been in the past few years, especially last year. Last year was the first without my husband. Had it not been for writing it down I probably couldn't tell you what I did last year.
The year came and went at break neck speed for the longest time.
I read something that was the greatest description. Sleepwalking. The first year I was sleepwalking but functioning. The second year I'm still sleepwalking but waking periodically

When that happens I stop and think to myself, Is this really my life?
The answer is always, yes.

So as the changes still come, I am learning a new normal. Something I had to learn to do as a caregiver, a new normal, often.
I am embracing the moments I can spend with my family. I am letting go of self doubt and I'm embracing the job I love and the new friends and co workers my heart has made.

I prayerfully prepared for the worst of emotions as the big things happened, Thanksgiving, Anniversary, Christmas. The emotional worst didn't happen but the emotional minors did. I still get caught off guard by the little things sometimes. A friend warning me about social media "widow trolls" asked me if I had changed my relationship status from married to widow yet. No, I can't bring myself to do it. A little word but it has a huge impact on my emotional well being. My heart is still married. I miss my husband, maybe I always will. Still taking one day at a time some days.

18 months

It's not as consistently close as it used to be but I still see it. Out of the corner of my eye I keep watch on it.
"Stay busy and it wont bother you", I tell myself. That's true to some degree.
Sometimes I have to dodge it. I know it will sting so I drop everything and run around a corner to hide from it. My heart racing and breath heavy but I try to keep those in check. I close my eyes, take a breath and step out to carry on with the day.

It's been 18 months since my husband moved into his eternal home.
A year and one half.
I still feel like I need to fight to get through some days. Mostly the all alone days.
They are getting better though.
I'm not wallowing around in the grief, it just feels like a little black cloud that comes out of nowhere and I can't outrun or hide from for very long before it rains on me.

This is not my first experience in dealing with death. My mother died, my grandparents have all died, friends and loved ones have died.
This, this is so different in many ways.
One of the oddest is the change in relationship with others. This is going to sound funny so bear with me.

I LOVE the job I have, the people I work with, the people I associate with! I'm happy, healthy, ok ok I have some improvement that can be made but don't we all? I'm emotionally stable. I'm truly doing well overall and fighting grief is all part of the process. In other words, I'm normal. Stop laughing now.

For a little while I wasn't sure though. 
I was experiencing something I couldn't quite put my finger on. I finally asked other remaining spouses if they had the same thing and the answer has been YES. So, here it is.

At first there was a detachment to all others. It felt like I was all alone in a very crowded room. Then I connected to a core group of family but it felt like everyone else was far away. In making progress it started to feel like I was getting closer to others but there was a wall between us. Eventually the wall thinned and came down. Yet now, even though I can  appreciate and enjoy others, I have this odd sensation that we are still separated by plastic wrap. That's the best I can explain it. I can reach out and touch and interact but still not making complete contact with everyone. It's a very odd sensation and I hope it wont last a long time. I miss...me.

Holidays, Anniversaries and We, Oh My

Holidays, Anniversaries and We, Oh My

I knew they were coming. You can't stop them from arriving so I prepared myself for them. I prayed for peace and strength of heart. I think, to some degree I braced myself for the emotional upheaval by putting up a wall of emotional distance, I chose to do something very different for Thanksgiving. The day turned out to be really good.

I got through it.

2 days later was my anniversary, or , would have been my 33^rd anniversary. I spent the day not rehashing the bad but appreciating how my life was changed for the better when I met my husband.

I then gifted myself with a bedroom makeover project. It's time for a bedroom for me. I had already removed all of hospital equipment. I knew the floor needed new carpet. It was a major idea but I started stripping wallpaper that day.

I got through it.

It was a few days later when I was knee deep into my project that emotional wall came down and I had a melt down. Part feeling a little overwhelmed by my decision, part feeling like I was removing my husband from the intimate part of our house.

I prayed for peace, because it hurt.

Christmas was coming. My mind went through all of the traditions I normally carried out but had scaled back when my husband became so ill. 

Was I going to do those again? 

Could I even do them? 

It's not that I hated Christmas, I love Christmas but I wasn't ready for the activity that required so much emotional involvement. 

I kept recalling that the last Dec seemed to be the drop off the cliff for my husband. I wasn't trying to think about it, it just kept creeping in. Again, I placed that wall of distance up and just wished Christmas would quietly slip by without the big production.

I stayed busy with work and that helped.

I thought about sending Christmas cards, but I never did. The cards received were eventually opened and appreciated but they too were set down in a pile. It was truly a struggle for my heart every time I checked the mailbox and got a card. The worst was when a card arrived addressed to both me and my husband, from a friend, whom knew.

I kept things very simple and quiet. A small table top tree was displayed so I didn't appear to be a scrooge and I made one small batch of cookies on Christmas day at the request of my son. I put the tree on the table a couple of days before , it still had one ornament from last year. Plugging it in was the best it got. It was Jesus birthday anyway so I didn't feel bad for basically concentrating on that and asking Him to carry me through these difficult days and nights.

I enjoyed the happy times with my children and grandsons

I got through it.

New Years Day always had traditions too. I didn't normally care for them but they were important to my husband so every year I cooked his New years tradition.

My FaceBook status: Black eyed peas and hog jowl cooking. Some traditions are hard to break even if you don't necessarily like them and now they make you cry.

I got through it.

January came with it's own issues. The previous Jan was a struggle for my husband and his eventual admission to the hospital and subsequent Hospice inpatient stay. The tears seemed to flow on their own. No purposeful lingering or reflections about the year before. As if my mind did as it chose. I accepted it as it came and acknowledged the thoughts. I also reminded myself it was normal and I was ok and would be ok.

I found myself still involved in my bedroom project. It seemed like it was taking forever. I also made one other decision to get myself out of the money crunch so I could do a few things for myself, like my bedroom redo. I had my satellite turned off.

I don't miss it.

February came. And with it the realization that our, my 15 yr old dog had a tumor. I had to put Lady, aka Elvis because my husband couldn't remember her name, down on Feb 9^th. Then the 11^th marked the one year anniversary of my husband's heavenly birthday. I chose to work that day and I realized my emotions were sitting right behind my eyes so I stayed in my office catching up on paperwork most of the day with the blessing of my boss. She just let me do what I felt I needed to get through the day. Her support has been a true blessing. I took a long lunch with my daughter and son in law. I spoke, text or received a text from each of the other kids. I have a very supportive family. I love them all so much. We lean on one another and build each other up.

The kids and I decided to have a commemorative gathering but we couldn't all get together on that particular day so we chose the weekend. Sat was in the 70s! What a beautiful day! BUT, we had already set aside picked Sun afternoon. The weather took a turn and it was 31 degrees, and windy. Due to the cold, some of the family couldn't attend but those of us that could, bundled up. We wrote notes and attached them to balloons. They were supposed to sail off into the sky. Umm yeah, things didn't go exactly as planned. Many of the balloons got tangled in a tree. Thanks wind.

  But I will say, the tree was pretty.

Afterward, we went out to eat.

We got through it.

Our daughter said it beautifully: “This last year has been a stinging year of "firsts" without Dad. First birthdays, first holidays, first everything. Tomorrow is our last first because tomorrow is the first anniversary of Dad's passing. And while we miss him like crazy, I take comfort in knowing his year was profoundly better than it would have been had he been with us still. His first time to be completely healed, first time seeing Jesus, first opportunity to worship in God's physical presence. What a sad year it's been here on earth, but what an amazing year for him it must have been. Tomorrow I will not mourn, but instead I will celebrate because this last year was Dad's best year, by far.”

So one year is passed. Some days it still feels like yesterday. Some days it feels like a lifetime.

I'm moving forward, one day at a time still. I make plans, I have have fun. I laugh, I still cry, not as much. I finally finished my bedroom project with the help of my daughter and son in law. I'm making a life for me and I can talk about my husband with fewer tears of sorrow. My biggest thing I realize is that I still refer to “us” “we” “our”. I wonder how long that will continue? However long it takes, I know one thing.

I'll get through it.

Purses

Some days all I can accomplish is staying in bed. The inability to go to sleep and rest has seemed to catch up with me, I'm so tired all the time but some days are worse than others. The dogs understand and snuggled up close, they provide solace for me while I sleep.

I have moments of happiness, I really do. I can find joy in things. I appreciate spending time with loved ones or running into old friends. I'm not consistently sad.
I find pleasure being able to encourage others and get fired up about things I feel passionate about.
There is progress but then there are the moments that seem to throw me to the ground unexpectedly.

Like this moment.
I like purses.
I like purses like some people like shoes.
I don't spend a lot of money on purses though. Top range is $20 and I really have to love it.
(Yes I'm going somewhere with this)
So I had to do some shopping and cut across the store in the normal hurry I have become used to when I thought, slow down. There's no rush. So I was in the purse section and stopped to look around.
I found a purse I liked, a color I didn't have, and on sale! I opened the pockets and thoroughly checked it over for size, when the reality hit me. I no longer had to buy a purse based on it's size.
I've always carried a larger one to accommodate things my husband may have needed while we were out.
Realizing this was very emotional for me.
Another small thing that seemed big.
Another change.
I bought the larger purse anyway.

In some ways I feel like the purse, from the outside you would never know it was empty and void.
But on the inside, I still have that hollow feeling.
Still waiting for the Lord to fill me.