The seasons changed from Summer to fall.
The fall changed to winter even though the temperatures haven't realized the time of year it is.
The time changed, the weather changed, the leaves changed and fell.
The holidays are in full swing and almost over with now. This year I decided I needed to do something, anything more than I have been in the past few years, especially last year. Last year was the first without my husband. Had it not been for writing it down I probably couldn't tell you what I did last year.
The year came and went at break neck speed for the longest time.
I read something that was the greatest description. Sleepwalking. The first year I was sleepwalking but functioning. The second year I'm still sleepwalking but waking periodically
When that happens I stop and think to myself, Is this really my life?
The answer is always, yes.
So as the changes still come, I am learning a new normal. Something I had to learn to do as a caregiver, a new normal, often.
I am embracing the moments I can spend with my family. I am letting go of self doubt and I'm embracing the job I love and the new friends and co workers my heart has made.
I prayerfully prepared for the worst of emotions as the big things happened, Thanksgiving, Anniversary, Christmas. The emotional worst didn't happen but the emotional minors did. I still get caught off guard by the little things sometimes. A friend warning me about social media "widow trolls" asked me if I had changed my relationship status from married to widow yet. No, I can't bring myself to do it. A little word but it has a huge impact on my emotional well being. My heart is still married. I miss my husband, maybe I always will. Still taking one day at a time some days.
Showing posts with label emotions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emotions. Show all posts
Saturday, December 26, 2015
Saturday, August 9, 2014
Daily Challenges
Every day I find myself face to face with new challenges.
It's been almost 6 months since my husband moved into heaven.
I miss his presence terribly. I guess the truth about our situation is that I had many years of caregiving for him that I have already missed him for many years. There was comfort in his presence. We couldn't have important conversations. Everything that needed taken care of was handled by me. Ultimately, the responsibilities were all mine, yet throughout the day I could speak to him, I could hear his voice, I could touch and feel him and I could say I loved him and he could respond.
There was security in his presence and that sounds funny since he wouldn't have been able to help me if something had happened to me. But now I second guess everything I do, like climbing the roof to clean the gutters or walking outside with the dogs in the night thinking I may come face to face with any of the country wildlife. I now think before I act, who's going to take care of me?
Some of the challenges have been hard, some have been overwhelming for the moment and some have been pleasant. Sometimes the challenges mix together.
My husband and I didn't live for tomorrow, only for the day so we never planned for our future (EPIC FAIL). That has been it's own challenge adjusting to a new lifestyle but I'm learning and it's ok.
I wanted the kids to have something special from their father so I had the diamonds removed from his rings and gave each one of the kids a diamond. It meant so much for me to be able to do that for them. Handing the rings over was a challenge and took more emotional strength than I anticipated, meaning not a full blown break down just some tears while explaining what I wanted. Why did it seem so hard when I really wanted to do that? And it brought me so much comfort and joy that they each accepted with love and appreciation. I am truly blessed.
Some challenges are overwhelming. Interrupted sleep continues to be an issue. I think that has added to the emotional melt down a few times. In particular I spent the day in bed sobbing because I just wanted my husband back but the cold hard fact is, it's hopeless that will happen. Hopeless has got to be the worst feeling ever.
I am glad that feeling passed. I hold fast to the hope I have in the Lords promises. Though some days I barely hang on. I suppose those are the times He is holding on to me.
I am grateful for His grip!
I started having enough issues I associated with the sleep problem, I started feeling anxious whenever I would get in my car to go anyplace. I wanted to go places but had this internal jitter. It was becoming frustrating.
The sleep issue needed addressing so I visited my Dr again. I think I've seen my Dr more in the last few months than I have in the last few years. Seriously, grief can make you feel sick! Anyway, We chose a non habit forming anxiety med to take at night. Give it time to work, she said.
While there I had to update my information.
Another challenge.
Marital Status: Widow
I stared at it for a little bit before I could write it, but it is what it is.
I decided I needed to clean out and wash my car. That doesn't seem too challenging, does it?
I hadn't done it in years! But the physical wasn't the challenge.
Without doing it on purpose, everything on the passenger side made me think of my husband as I washed it off. The inside handle, the overhead grasp bar, the window.
As I started to scrub the floor mats, I halted for a moment as I was cleaning the passenger one. My thoughts as I watched the water was, there goes another piece of my husband.
The most recent challenge took my breath away for a moment. Standing in line at a store checkout that was close to the front door, a man started walking in. I recognized the style of shirt, the jeans the partial view of his face and hair, and my heart stopped for a moment because he looked so much like my husband, he even walked with the same stride. I could only stare at him knowing it wasn't him as he walked in and past me.
I was able to keep it together long enough to get to my car and have a cry.
But I believe the new meds might be helping. I started back volunteering.
I noticed the inside jitter is gone.
I feel like I have some control over the random emotions.
On an occasion I've slept longer than 3 hrs!
And once I slept for 7!! WOO HOO! I was a new woman!
Mostly though, I still wake every 1 or 2 hrs and when I do get the rare longer stretch I am ever thankful for it.
How do I think the new meds are helping the sleep issue then?
The fact I can't sleep doesn't bother me as much anymore LOL!
I'll close on something positive.
When you're grieving, not even beautiful days can feel beautiful. But then, there are the days when the day, mind and heart all get into sync and you know there will be more beautiful days to come.
One day at a time. #comfortcoffee
It's been almost 6 months since my husband moved into heaven.
I miss his presence terribly. I guess the truth about our situation is that I had many years of caregiving for him that I have already missed him for many years. There was comfort in his presence. We couldn't have important conversations. Everything that needed taken care of was handled by me. Ultimately, the responsibilities were all mine, yet throughout the day I could speak to him, I could hear his voice, I could touch and feel him and I could say I loved him and he could respond.
There was security in his presence and that sounds funny since he wouldn't have been able to help me if something had happened to me. But now I second guess everything I do, like climbing the roof to clean the gutters or walking outside with the dogs in the night thinking I may come face to face with any of the country wildlife. I now think before I act, who's going to take care of me?
Some of the challenges have been hard, some have been overwhelming for the moment and some have been pleasant. Sometimes the challenges mix together.
My husband and I didn't live for tomorrow, only for the day so we never planned for our future (EPIC FAIL). That has been it's own challenge adjusting to a new lifestyle but I'm learning and it's ok.
I wanted the kids to have something special from their father so I had the diamonds removed from his rings and gave each one of the kids a diamond. It meant so much for me to be able to do that for them. Handing the rings over was a challenge and took more emotional strength than I anticipated, meaning not a full blown break down just some tears while explaining what I wanted. Why did it seem so hard when I really wanted to do that? And it brought me so much comfort and joy that they each accepted with love and appreciation. I am truly blessed.
Some challenges are overwhelming. Interrupted sleep continues to be an issue. I think that has added to the emotional melt down a few times. In particular I spent the day in bed sobbing because I just wanted my husband back but the cold hard fact is, it's hopeless that will happen. Hopeless has got to be the worst feeling ever.
I am glad that feeling passed. I hold fast to the hope I have in the Lords promises. Though some days I barely hang on. I suppose those are the times He is holding on to me.
I am grateful for His grip!
I started having enough issues I associated with the sleep problem, I started feeling anxious whenever I would get in my car to go anyplace. I wanted to go places but had this internal jitter. It was becoming frustrating.
The sleep issue needed addressing so I visited my Dr again. I think I've seen my Dr more in the last few months than I have in the last few years. Seriously, grief can make you feel sick! Anyway, We chose a non habit forming anxiety med to take at night. Give it time to work, she said.
While there I had to update my information.
Another challenge.
Marital Status: Widow
I stared at it for a little bit before I could write it, but it is what it is.
I decided I needed to clean out and wash my car. That doesn't seem too challenging, does it?
I hadn't done it in years! But the physical wasn't the challenge.
Without doing it on purpose, everything on the passenger side made me think of my husband as I washed it off. The inside handle, the overhead grasp bar, the window.
As I started to scrub the floor mats, I halted for a moment as I was cleaning the passenger one. My thoughts as I watched the water was, there goes another piece of my husband.
The most recent challenge took my breath away for a moment. Standing in line at a store checkout that was close to the front door, a man started walking in. I recognized the style of shirt, the jeans the partial view of his face and hair, and my heart stopped for a moment because he looked so much like my husband, he even walked with the same stride. I could only stare at him knowing it wasn't him as he walked in and past me.
I was able to keep it together long enough to get to my car and have a cry.
But I believe the new meds might be helping. I started back volunteering.
I noticed the inside jitter is gone.
I feel like I have some control over the random emotions.
On an occasion I've slept longer than 3 hrs!
And once I slept for 7!! WOO HOO! I was a new woman!
Mostly though, I still wake every 1 or 2 hrs and when I do get the rare longer stretch I am ever thankful for it.
How do I think the new meds are helping the sleep issue then?
The fact I can't sleep doesn't bother me as much anymore LOL!
I'll close on something positive.
When you're grieving, not even beautiful days can feel beautiful. But then, there are the days when the day, mind and heart all get into sync and you know there will be more beautiful days to come.
One day at a time. #comfortcoffee
Monday, June 16, 2014
Pale Thin Line
I've been trying to forge out a life for myself. One that is absent of my husband and it hasn't been easy.
But I am trying .
I even attended the church I am a member of, for the first time in 8 years! I was prepared for sobbing, actually I was afraid of sobbing. I didn't want to do that and my fear of it kept me away. I had to remain in control of my emotions before I could make that move. I'm not in control of my emotions though but I went anyway at the invitation of a friend. HA HA I was invited to my home church! Much of my fear of going was unmet and the service and reunion with the people of my heart went well and almost tearless.
My imagination had the better part of me, as it did when I attended a wedding of a sweet young woman I have known almost her entire life. Weddings can be emotional and I wanted to be there. I also wanted to feel like I wouldn't fall apart, so I took a friend. Her husband had passed away last year and I asked her to be my plus one. I feared the sobbing. But the wedding was beautiful, the reception was fun and I even turned to my friend and said, "Hey, now we are eligible to catch the bouquet!" The entire event was wonderful and my fears were unmet.
I'm trying so hard not to fall into a state of major depression that it took the gentle encouragement of my "God sent sister" to show me that I am so busy trying to see the signs of the BIG drop off to the depression pit, I'm not noticing the earth moving under my feet.
Grief doesn't come with a book or a step by step instruction sheet. Everyone goes through it differently and at their own pace. She pointed out things I had relayed to her, I don't sleep well, I eat just to eat and have gained 20 lbs since my husband went into the hosp in Jan, I cry for no particular reason. I'm kind of lost without a solid purpose.
These things sound like grief but after hearing these words echoed by my friend, I also realize these could be signs of creeping depression. That line can be so thin and barely noticeable. So I visited my Dr today and, cue the tears, asked for an ounce of prevention in an anti depressant until I can get out of this circle of symptoms. She agreed with me.
I KNOW what I need to do, Think about what I put in my mouth, move my body, sleep regular hours, stay hydrated. I just need a jump start to move in that direction consecutively. Once my mind is functioning properly, everything else will/should fall into place. So, I asked for a short term plan. Now short term does not mean 2 weeks. So my short term can be anywhere from 6 months to 2 years, My Dr and I will keep up with how I'm doing and I can depend on my friend to honestly tell me what differences if any she notices. I have a plan. I think it's a good one.
But I am trying .
I even attended the church I am a member of, for the first time in 8 years! I was prepared for sobbing, actually I was afraid of sobbing. I didn't want to do that and my fear of it kept me away. I had to remain in control of my emotions before I could make that move. I'm not in control of my emotions though but I went anyway at the invitation of a friend. HA HA I was invited to my home church! Much of my fear of going was unmet and the service and reunion with the people of my heart went well and almost tearless.
My imagination had the better part of me, as it did when I attended a wedding of a sweet young woman I have known almost her entire life. Weddings can be emotional and I wanted to be there. I also wanted to feel like I wouldn't fall apart, so I took a friend. Her husband had passed away last year and I asked her to be my plus one. I feared the sobbing. But the wedding was beautiful, the reception was fun and I even turned to my friend and said, "Hey, now we are eligible to catch the bouquet!" The entire event was wonderful and my fears were unmet.
I'm trying so hard not to fall into a state of major depression that it took the gentle encouragement of my "God sent sister" to show me that I am so busy trying to see the signs of the BIG drop off to the depression pit, I'm not noticing the earth moving under my feet.
Grief doesn't come with a book or a step by step instruction sheet. Everyone goes through it differently and at their own pace. She pointed out things I had relayed to her, I don't sleep well, I eat just to eat and have gained 20 lbs since my husband went into the hosp in Jan, I cry for no particular reason. I'm kind of lost without a solid purpose.
These things sound like grief but after hearing these words echoed by my friend, I also realize these could be signs of creeping depression. That line can be so thin and barely noticeable. So I visited my Dr today and, cue the tears, asked for an ounce of prevention in an anti depressant until I can get out of this circle of symptoms. She agreed with me.
I KNOW what I need to do, Think about what I put in my mouth, move my body, sleep regular hours, stay hydrated. I just need a jump start to move in that direction consecutively. Once my mind is functioning properly, everything else will/should fall into place. So, I asked for a short term plan. Now short term does not mean 2 weeks. So my short term can be anywhere from 6 months to 2 years, My Dr and I will keep up with how I'm doing and I can depend on my friend to honestly tell me what differences if any she notices. I have a plan. I think it's a good one.
Thursday, April 10, 2014
Revolving Door of Grief
Over the last few days I've been experiencing some anxiety.
I also have this very odd sensation that my husband will just walk in the door.
So it feels like, I'm waiting for his return.
Yes, I do have a lot of things going on and I'm trying to keep them prioritized into, rational and irrational, justified and unjustified, necessary and unnecessary.
I'm trying to continue to find where it is I belong in this new life. Everything feels so hard. I struggle with concentration yet and I'm still locked in the inability to sync words and actions. Is this what A.D.D. feels like? Bless those that have that, if it is.
I think the worst for me is the "self" bubble. I have a difficult time not thinking about me and my pain, physical and emotional. I'm either disconnected to others or so empathetic that I feel their pain and anguish.
All of this is getting a little better though, just progressing slowly.
I try, just not too hard, to stay in the caregiver loop and I want to stay in the Lewy Body one as well, I just find myself annoyed in general and as of today angry at my husband.
I've been reading articles relating to dementia and caregiver comments as well as things from others that have lewy body.
I read how they are still fighting their disease by exercise or actively involved in therapy. Traveling as much as they can, willingly participating in activities as their minds and bodies allow.
And I'm jealous that they do.
I'm angry that my husband wouldn't even try.
I'm angry with myself for being angry.
That's today though.
Tomorrow will probably be some other off the wall emotion.
I'll just need to get these tears over and done with first.
I also have this very odd sensation that my husband will just walk in the door.
So it feels like, I'm waiting for his return.
Yes, I do have a lot of things going on and I'm trying to keep them prioritized into, rational and irrational, justified and unjustified, necessary and unnecessary.
I'm trying to continue to find where it is I belong in this new life. Everything feels so hard. I struggle with concentration yet and I'm still locked in the inability to sync words and actions. Is this what A.D.D. feels like? Bless those that have that, if it is.
I think the worst for me is the "self" bubble. I have a difficult time not thinking about me and my pain, physical and emotional. I'm either disconnected to others or so empathetic that I feel their pain and anguish.
All of this is getting a little better though, just progressing slowly.
I try, just not too hard, to stay in the caregiver loop and I want to stay in the Lewy Body one as well, I just find myself annoyed in general and as of today angry at my husband.
I've been reading articles relating to dementia and caregiver comments as well as things from others that have lewy body.
I read how they are still fighting their disease by exercise or actively involved in therapy. Traveling as much as they can, willingly participating in activities as their minds and bodies allow.
And I'm jealous that they do.
I'm angry that my husband wouldn't even try.
I'm angry with myself for being angry.
That's today though.
Tomorrow will probably be some other off the wall emotion.
I'll just need to get these tears over and done with first.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)