Pale Thin Line

I've been trying to forge out a life for myself. One that is absent of my husband and it hasn't been easy.
But I am trying .

I even attended the church I am a member of, for the first time in 8 years!  I was prepared for sobbing, actually I was afraid of sobbing. I didn't want to do that and my fear of it kept me away. I had to remain in control of my emotions before I could make that move. I'm not in control of my emotions though but I went anyway at the invitation of a friend. HA HA I was invited to my home church!  Much of my fear of going was unmet and the service and reunion with the people of my heart went well and almost tearless.

My imagination had the better part of me, as it did when I attended a wedding of a sweet young woman I have known almost her entire life. Weddings can be emotional and I wanted to be there. I also wanted to feel like I wouldn't fall apart, so I took a friend. Her husband had passed away last year and I asked her to be my plus one. I feared the sobbing. But the wedding was beautiful, the reception was fun and I even turned to my friend and said, "Hey, now we are eligible to catch the bouquet!" The entire event was wonderful and my fears were unmet.

I'm trying so hard not to fall into a state of major depression that it took the gentle encouragement of my "God sent sister" to show me that I am so busy trying to see the signs of the BIG drop off to the depression pit, I'm not noticing the earth moving under my feet.
Grief doesn't come with a book or a step by step instruction sheet. Everyone goes through it differently and at their own pace. She pointed out things I had relayed to her, I don't sleep well, I eat just to eat and have gained 20 lbs since my husband went into the hosp in Jan, I cry for no particular reason. I'm kind of lost without a solid purpose.
These things sound like grief but after hearing these words echoed by my friend, I also realize these could be signs of creeping depression. That line can be so thin and barely noticeable. So I visited my Dr today and, cue the tears, asked for an ounce of prevention in an anti depressant until I can get out of this circle of symptoms. She agreed with me.
I KNOW what I need to do, Think about what I put in my mouth, move my body, sleep regular hours, stay hydrated. I just need a jump start to move in that direction consecutively.  Once my mind is functioning properly, everything else will/should fall into place. So, I asked for a short term plan. Now short term does not mean 2 weeks. So my short term can be anywhere from 6 months to 2 years, My Dr and I will keep up with how I'm doing and I can depend on my friend to honestly tell me what differences if any she notices. I have a plan. I think it's a good one.