Daily Challenges

Every day I find myself face to face with new challenges.
It's been almost 6 months since my husband moved into heaven.
I miss his presence terribly. I guess the truth about our situation is that I had many years of caregiving for him that I have already missed him for many years. There was comfort in his presence. We couldn't have important conversations. Everything that needed taken care of was handled by me. Ultimately, the responsibilities were all mine, yet throughout the day I could speak to him, I could hear his voice, I could touch and feel him and I could say I loved him and he could respond.
There was security in his presence and that sounds funny since he wouldn't have been able to help me if something had happened to me. But now I second guess everything I do, like climbing the roof to clean the gutters or walking outside with the dogs in the night thinking I may come face to face with any of the country wildlife. I now think before I act, who's going to take care of me?

Some of the challenges have been hard, some have been overwhelming for the moment and some have been pleasant. Sometimes the challenges mix together.
My husband and I didn't live for tomorrow, only for the day so we never planned for our future (EPIC FAIL). That has been it's own challenge adjusting to a new lifestyle but I'm learning and it's ok.
I wanted the kids to have something special from their father so I had the diamonds removed from his rings and gave each one of the kids a diamond. It meant so much for me to be able to do that for them. Handing the rings over was a challenge and took more emotional strength than I anticipated, meaning not a full blown break down just some tears while explaining what I wanted. Why did it seem so hard when I really wanted to do that? And it brought me so much comfort and joy that they each accepted with love and appreciation. I am truly blessed.

Some challenges are overwhelming. Interrupted sleep continues to be an issue. I think that has added to the emotional melt down a few times. In particular I spent the day in bed sobbing because I just wanted my husband back but the cold hard fact is, it's hopeless that will happen. Hopeless has got to be the worst feeling ever.
I am glad that feeling passed. I hold fast to the hope I have in the Lords promises. Though some days I barely hang on. I suppose those are the times He is holding on to me.

I am grateful for His grip!

I started having enough issues I associated with the sleep problem, I started feeling anxious whenever I would get in my car to go anyplace. I wanted to go places but had this internal jitter. It was becoming frustrating. 
The sleep issue needed addressing so I visited my Dr again. I think I've seen my Dr more in the last few months than I have in the last few years. Seriously, grief can make you feel sick! Anyway, We chose a non habit forming anxiety med to take at night. Give it time to work, she said.

While there I had to update my information.
Another challenge.
Marital Status: Widow
I stared at it for a little bit before I could write it, but it is what it is.

I decided I needed to clean out and wash my car. That doesn't seem too challenging, does it?
I hadn't done it in years! But the physical wasn't the challenge.
Without doing it on purpose, everything on the passenger side made me think of my husband as I washed it off. The inside handle, the overhead grasp bar, the window. 
As I started to scrub the floor mats, I halted for a moment as I was cleaning the passenger one. My thoughts as I watched the water was, there goes another piece of my husband.

The most recent challenge took my breath away for a moment. Standing in line at a store checkout that was close to the front door, a man started walking in. I recognized the style of shirt, the jeans the partial view of his face and hair, and my heart stopped for a moment because he looked so much like my husband, he even walked with the same stride. I could only stare at him knowing it wasn't him as he walked in and past me. 
I was able to keep it together long enough to get to my car and have a cry. 

But I believe the new meds might be helping. I started back volunteering.
I noticed the inside jitter is gone.
I feel like I have some control over the random emotions.
On an occasion I've slept longer than 3 hrs! 
And once I slept for 7!! WOO HOO! I was a new woman!
Mostly though, I still wake every 1 or 2 hrs and when I do get the rare longer stretch I am ever thankful for it.
How do I think the new meds are helping the sleep issue then?
The fact I can't sleep doesn't bother me as much anymore LOL!

I'll close on something positive.

When you're grieving, not even beautiful days can feel beautiful. But then, there are the days when the day, mind and heart all get into sync and you know there will be more beautiful days to come. 
One day at a time. #comfortcoffee