Running Away From Home

My Sister in Law and her grand daughter (my great niece) have had their own grief to deal with. My sister in law's daughter (niece's mom) passed away a year ago. 

Over the years my sister in law has said goodbye to a sister, her only son, her mother, her husband, her only daughter and now her brother; my husband.

My sister in law buries herself in “home” work, inside and outside constantly to deal with her grief. I tease her that the family took bets on how we would find her on her final day. I picked, Riding the lawnmower slumped over going around and around a tree ;-)

I understand why she wants to stay so busy, she doesn't have to think about anything but the tasks at hand. To me, she seems very isolated from others. To her, she likes the solitude. Different personalities.

She and her grand daughter had planned a vacation and in their kindness, invited me. At first I said no for financial reasons, but the invite was all inclusive with the use of my car and shared driving. I changed my mind and said YES! 

My Favorite stop, The Arches

I was ever grateful for their kindness. 

I needed away from here. 

I needed a change of scenery, 

I needed some company. 

We spent 9 days traveling to places I had never been, West to the Mountains.
Our first stop was Pikes Peak. I'll just say, if you have never been there GO but take in the elevation gradually . We took a one day drive, and hit it the next morning. It took me 5 days to recover from the elevation changes in my body! It was still a great time and we had a lot of fun and shared a LOT of laughs. Love them!

My sleep issues remained the same, something I was concerned about and they didn't change much, other than a straight 5 hrs one night. WOO HOO!!

I am ever grateful to my sister in law and niece for their reciprocated love and support.

I wondered if I was still considered family. Silly thought , I know, but I truly wondered if the death of my husband had severed that tie to them. This is the part that you can add, some family doesn't have to be by blood, they are by choice. I choose them as they choose me.

Then we came home.

That's when the silence started to suffocate me.

It was everywhere. Getting worse by the day. I would play the radio for the company but it wasn't helping. I was still volunteering but I had to come home. I was still having sleep issues. I thought I may have been going mad. I tried to stay positive but I couldn't shake the deafening silence!

So, I ran away from home. I made arrangements for my dogs and family to see if I could be a couch and refrigerator bum. Threw some clothes, a brush and a toothbrush in a suitcase, (I had no idea what I packed) and drove to Florida!

That's when it happened.

While I was there I had some sort of sleep breakthrough.

I started sleeping all night. 8 uninterrupted hrs or more! I was amazed but ever so grateful for the blessing of sleep!

I had some other sort of breakthrough but I couldn't quite put my finger on it, until I came home.

I spent 16 days in the company of loved ones I hadn't seen in years, just being. I even bought a bathing suit. I haven't owned one in years!! It was glorious!

Then I came home.

And you know what? My sleep is still improved.

I feel mentally better somehow, well enough I actually was able to stop taking my anti depressant and anxiety meds with no issues.

You're probably thinking I forgot my husband. Nope! I still remember him. My thoughts are more on the better times and less on my sadness without him. 

My heart pain is softening. I still have moments but I know they will pass and I will be ok and stronger for them. Long forgotten memories of random things enter my mind and I smile. Reminders of fun times and sweet moments cover my heart from the piercing pangs of grief.

I'll share some of my FB status with you.

1) Observation - 

The road through grief recovery can be long, bumpy, tiresome, filled with unexpected detours, flash flooding or rock slides and construction delays.
Yet sometimes, something new and beautiful just around the corner. Keep your eyes open for the beauty and your heart open to the peace. ‪#‎comfortcoffee‬ 

2) Laughter is good for you -

Volunteering at the Habitat store, I was helping a gentleman with an item. He started telling me how he had plans for a remodel to keep him off of his wife's bad list. We joked about the list and marriage in general. He told me how long he had been married. I replied he must like it to stay. He said she was wife #3 and I laughed. I told him I was wife #4 for my husband and it took him that many times to get it perfect. The guy looked at me and said "perfect, huh?" I emphatically said "Absolutely, He wouldn't dispute it! Of course he passed away in Feb so he can't dispute it, so I can say it any way I want." The man busted out laughing and told me I had it all figured out.
Well of course I do ROFLOL!!!

3) **This one is Kathy Humor you were warned you either get it or you don't. Look away if you are over sensitive. -
Funeral Home called, they were placing (Hubby's) Veterans Memorial Plaque. I met them there to inter the remains that wouldn't go in his urn. Shovel in the back, cremains in the front. Passed a police officer. I wasn't speeding but he pulled over behind me and followed for a while even making a turn I did.
I actually thought about speeding up so he would pull me over and ask me where I was going. I would have looked over my glasses and answered, "to bury a body"

4) Blessings -

I've struggled with a purpose for my life since (Hubby) passed away. I truly understand how the remaining spouse can feel so lost that giving up would be easier than the moment by moment walk through recovery. I questioned God if there was a need for me anymore and I even ran away for a couple of weeks to escape the maddening silence. Yet with the help of much prayer and unwavering support from family and friends (yes I'm talking about you) I can say I see hope again. I see a future for me and even though it is one absent from (Hubby) it is the path the Lord has for me. That path was evident when I was asked to take the position as Volunteer Coordinator for Habitat for Humanity. I admit I stared in disbelief at the offer. I am truly blessed.
How much the Father loves his children and gives them good gifts! ‪#‎childoftheKing‬