Tuesday, July 15, 2014

This Thing Called Grief

I wander.
I walk from room to room, looking out the windows and then standing still. Not looking for anything, not looking at anything. Then I wander back to my computer where my friends and my family are.
Surrounded by photos and mementos of and from loved ones.
Memories.


I wonder.
I wonder what I will actually get accomplished today. I wonder if I've waited too long to get anything accomplished or is the attempt just a start that wont get finished. I wonder what tomorrow will bring and am I going to feel like my life is surreal for a long time or the rest of my life.


I pray.
I pray for sleep, but it doesn't come.
I pray for some peace, but I still feel slightly numb. Maybe that is the peace I need?
I pray for direction for my life, but I can't see it. I'm still searching and asking and waiting.
I pray for a purpose I can't find.

My mind wanders to happier moments. It's like it's put up a barrier to try and prevent me from remembering anything negative. Even though I do remember the difficult times with my husband, they are easily swept away. I wonder if it will always be like that. I'm not exactly sure how I feel about that perception. It makes missing him harder to accept.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm just alive, but I'm not living.
I'm just wandering through the motions praying for some resolve.

1 comment:

  1. Dear Kathy, I wish there was something I could say that would help you.i can only speak from my experience...I have been searching for some kind of answers to the question how did I get where I am? How did this happen?i can't believe he is gone! I just keep talking[esp to my counselor],to my gone husband!to myself! and mostly to other widows bec they understand my feelings. I think after 7mos I am getting some answers and one of them is that God has granted me several more years of life and I need to live it as best I can.i pray a lot, meditate on God, and try to keep busy. Do what u can and love yourself bec you are loved.

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