I wander.
I walk from room to room, looking out the windows and then
standing still. Not looking for anything, not looking at anything.
Then I wander back to my computer where my friends and my family are.
Surrounded by photos and mementos of and from loved ones.
Memories.
I wonder.
I wonder what I will actually get accomplished today. I wonder if
I've waited too long to get anything accomplished or is the attempt
just a start that wont get finished. I wonder what tomorrow will
bring and am I going to feel like my life is surreal for a long time
or the rest of my life.
I pray.
I pray for sleep, but it doesn't come.
I pray for some peace, but I still feel slightly numb. Maybe that
is the peace I need?
I pray for direction for my life, but I can't see it. I'm still
searching and asking and waiting.
I pray for a purpose I can't find.
My mind wanders to happier moments. It's like it's put up a
barrier to try and prevent me from remembering anything negative.
Even though I do remember the difficult times with my husband, they are easily swept
away. I wonder if it will always be like that. I'm not exactly sure how I feel about that perception. It makes missing him harder to accept.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm just alive, but I'm not living.
I'm just wandering through the motions praying for some resolve.
Dear Kathy, I wish there was something I could say that would help you.i can only speak from my experience...I have been searching for some kind of answers to the question how did I get where I am? How did this happen?i can't believe he is gone! I just keep talking[esp to my counselor],to my gone husband!to myself! and mostly to other widows bec they understand my feelings. I think after 7mos I am getting some answers and one of them is that God has granted me several more years of life and I need to live it as best I can.i pray a lot, meditate on God, and try to keep busy. Do what u can and love yourself bec you are loved.
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