Thursday, April 10, 2014

Revolving Door of Grief

Over the last few days I've been experiencing some anxiety.
I also have this very odd sensation that my husband will just walk in the door.
So it feels like, I'm waiting for his return.

Yes, I do have a lot of things going on and I'm trying to keep them prioritized into, rational and irrational, justified and unjustified, necessary and unnecessary.
I'm trying to continue to find where it is I belong in this new life. Everything feels so hard. I struggle with concentration yet and I'm still locked in the inability to sync words and actions. Is this what A.D.D. feels like? Bless those that have that, if it is.

I think the worst for me is the "self" bubble. I have a difficult time not thinking about me and my pain, physical and emotional. I'm either disconnected to others or so empathetic that I feel their pain and anguish.

All of this is getting a little better though, just progressing slowly.

I try, just not too hard, to stay in the caregiver loop and I want to stay in the Lewy Body one as well, I just find myself annoyed in general and as of today angry at my husband.
I've been reading articles relating to dementia and caregiver comments as well as things from others that have lewy body.
I read how they are still fighting their disease by exercise or actively involved in therapy. Traveling as much as they can, willingly participating in activities as their minds and bodies allow.
And I'm jealous that they do.
I'm angry that my husband wouldn't even try.
I'm angry with myself for being angry.

That's today though.

Tomorrow will probably be some other off the wall emotion.
I'll just need to get these tears over and done with first.




2 comments:

  1. Dear Kathy, After 4 months I am still struggling with the same issues.Imam told to relax and give yourself at least a year. I know that I will get thru this the same as others have before me. It really helps to talk to others who have lost their spouses as they,too, do understand. My support group helps me as well. For now just love yourself,be patient, and don't keep count of your crying spells as tears are necessary, normal, and natural.

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  2. Dear Kathy;
    You may have heard many times before that Grief hits everyone differently & it all Takes time to adjust & wade through. I can tell you from experience it is Very Hard & the BEST thing is Your TEARS Allow them to fall & understand the SEVEN stages of Grief.Each can be & feel Better or Worse than the last but for some strange Reason God made the Plan & we all must travel down this Road each unto our own particular beliefs.I find I write Poetry about & for and in Memory of the one I have lost & that seems to help me.Not everyone will do or feel the same.You need to Let yourself wallow as long as is Necessary for You yourself to do so.Don't Rush through the Stages and emotions you feel as they will just return again another time.
    Let yourself feel all the anger & Pain and work through it with God on your side.You will Survive this as Only special People are True caregivers designed for that special Role with God's help & love & understanding.You are strong! You are WOMAN! Now let Yourself ROAR!! It is Okay to be angry & sad & feel dragged out & empty.Give yourself Time - Your New Best Friend is TIME -Together you will come through to the side of Rainbows & laughter again Just not immediately.Take the Time you need & do special nice things for Yourself now and again - Like " Lunch outwith a friend,or window shopping ,or a day trip to the Ocean & listen to the Waves Roll in." I sometimes get lost in the Sounds of Nature all around me & forget the Anger & Pain for a little while.God knows it will always be there but as Your New Freind TIME slips by the Pain will eventually Listen & you will find yourself speaking of Your Husband with Love & Laughter again. A Friend in Blogs who wishes you the Best.Maggie Mae.

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