All but one day, I feel like I'm on auto pilot.
I can tell it's wearing off though.
Reality is chipping away at the active defense I've put up.
Some days, I would like nothing more than to collapse into a puddle of tears or scream to the top of my lungs until I couldn't make any more noise and can barely breathe.
I hurt, physically besides emotionally but I can't pin point what hurts.
For an unknown reason, I had a very emotionally difficult day yesterday. Nothing significant happened to cause it, they just happen. It's not the first time, I'm sure it wont be the last but I trudged through to the end and everyone survived it.
This morning, I finished my coffee, walked in to the bathroom to get
dressed for the day and realized. I never changed out of my clothes from the day before! I was still fully dressed even to my socks! Must have been tougher on me than I thought.
Now here's the odd part, when my husband left me before we knew he had dementia, I felt the same way.
My feelings are exactly the same with the exception that, I'm not angry at him.
This time I'm not fueled from the hurt, embarrassment and suffering he caused, seeking to inflict misery on him.
This time I don't feel rejected or worthless.
This time I don't feel shunned or ashamed.
This time there is no hope of him returning to me, ever.
I feel hollow/numb/ with an outward layer of emotion.
Like a newly painted box.
From the outside you see it's a box.
One would wonder what treasures it might hold inside.
But when you look inside, there's appears to be nothing there.
And upon touching it, you notice the paint hasn't dried yet.
I miss so much the reconciliation we were making before it was cut off by Lewy Body Dementia.
I miss his presence, even all the "Honey" he gave me.
I miss the dreams we never got a chance to start.
I miss giggling at the confusion that made us both laugh.
I miss him shuffling over to my bed for a kiss goodnight.
I miss his shiny hazel blue eyes.
I miss him and what should have been.
This time as well as the last.
I read your comments with sadness as my husband has got lbd and at the present time in a hospital but getting moved to another care home shortly after getting pneumonia in a previous home we know he cannot survive much longer and I already feel like he is gone even when we the family are visiting him all the time,it is sole destroying to see him like this knowing he will only get worse I like you have cried many tears and feel so lonely and cheated out of what should have been our retirement years my husband John is only 65 and this has been 4 years of stress and heart ache for us,I hope you gain some strength and things get easier for you in time they always say that time is a great healer I have my doubts about that.
ReplyDeleteTake care
Brenda