It's been quite a few years since I had been able to attend the church I am a member of.
This is where many of my prayer warriors congregate.
I know where I can turn when I want someone to pray the words I can't seem to express.
Even though I know God hears my prayers, it gives me comfort that others are lifting me to Him for the comfort, peace, assurance, peace and direction I need to live according to His Word.
I have prayer warriors and I'm not afraid to use them!
So why haven't I gone back to church yet?
I have the time now.
I'm good with a few people offering me sympathies and condolences.
I fear the overwhelming show of love will leave me an emotional wreck.
Lots of times I feel strong and together at home.
I can be around 2, 3 or 4 at a time without feeling overwhelmed.
But for some reason, I'm afraid of a congregation of people I love.
And it's only natural they would want to be supportive. I would want to be if it were not me in this situation.
I have so much to learn and so far to go yet.
Monday, March 24, 2014
Friday, March 21, 2014
Good Night, Honey. I Love You
I still say these words audibly every night.
The dog must think I'm talking to him. He snuggles in close.
My tears fall.
At times, I find myself missing my husband for all the things we didn't have.
For a few years, due to his Lewy Body dementia, we didn't even sleep in the same bed. He didn't always know who I was and much of the time didn't trust or like me. I soldiered on with his care and my love for him. The trenches of caregiving are not an easy place to be a lot of times.
Knowing my husband is no longer suffering, should make his absence feel "easier" for lack of a better word. But it's doesn't.
Before his diagnosis, he had issues I can now look back at and say were a result of his lewy body. Those issues resulted in him leaving me and being gone for 18 months. The odd thing about the feelings then and now, his absence still feels the same, I'm just not mad at him this time.
Where there was anger towards him and yet, still that small chance of hope for a reconciliation that did come, it has now been replaced with feelings of being hollow and the stark knowledge of "he can never, ever, EVER, come back".
You would think I would know what to expect, how to handle the next thing.
But I don't, I still hurt deeply inside and spend a lot of time praying for peace and guidance for my ever changing life.
The dog must think I'm talking to him. He snuggles in close.
My tears fall.
At times, I find myself missing my husband for all the things we didn't have.
For a few years, due to his Lewy Body dementia, we didn't even sleep in the same bed. He didn't always know who I was and much of the time didn't trust or like me. I soldiered on with his care and my love for him. The trenches of caregiving are not an easy place to be a lot of times.
Knowing my husband is no longer suffering, should make his absence feel "easier" for lack of a better word. But it's doesn't.
Before his diagnosis, he had issues I can now look back at and say were a result of his lewy body. Those issues resulted in him leaving me and being gone for 18 months. The odd thing about the feelings then and now, his absence still feels the same, I'm just not mad at him this time.
Where there was anger towards him and yet, still that small chance of hope for a reconciliation that did come, it has now been replaced with feelings of being hollow and the stark knowledge of "he can never, ever, EVER, come back".
You would think I would know what to expect, how to handle the next thing.
But I don't, I still hurt deeply inside and spend a lot of time praying for peace and guidance for my ever changing life.
Sunday, March 16, 2014
Purses
Some days all I can accomplish is staying in bed. The inability to go to sleep and rest has seemed to catch up with me, I'm so tired all the time but some days are worse than others. The dogs understand and snuggled up close, they provide solace for me while I sleep.
I have moments of happiness, I really do. I can find joy in things. I appreciate spending time with loved ones or running into old friends. I'm not consistently sad.
I find pleasure being able to encourage others and get fired up about things I feel passionate about.
There is progress but then there are the moments that seem to throw me to the ground unexpectedly.
Like this moment.
I like purses.
I like purses like some people like shoes.
I don't spend a lot of money on purses though. Top range is $20 and I really have to love it.
(Yes I'm going somewhere with this)
So I had to do some shopping and cut across the store in the normal hurry I have become used to when I thought, slow down. There's no rush. So I was in the purse section and stopped to look around.
I found a purse I liked, a color I didn't have, and on sale! I opened the pockets and thoroughly checked it over for size, when the reality hit me. I no longer had to buy a purse based on it's size.
I've always carried a larger one to accommodate things my husband may have needed while we were out.
Realizing this was very emotional for me.
Another small thing that seemed big.
Another change.
I bought the larger purse anyway.
In some ways I feel like the purse, from the outside you would never know it was empty and void.
But on the inside, I still have that hollow feeling.
Still waiting for the Lord to fill me.
I have moments of happiness, I really do. I can find joy in things. I appreciate spending time with loved ones or running into old friends. I'm not consistently sad.
I find pleasure being able to encourage others and get fired up about things I feel passionate about.
There is progress but then there are the moments that seem to throw me to the ground unexpectedly.
Like this moment.
I like purses.
I like purses like some people like shoes.
I don't spend a lot of money on purses though. Top range is $20 and I really have to love it.
(Yes I'm going somewhere with this)
So I had to do some shopping and cut across the store in the normal hurry I have become used to when I thought, slow down. There's no rush. So I was in the purse section and stopped to look around.
I found a purse I liked, a color I didn't have, and on sale! I opened the pockets and thoroughly checked it over for size, when the reality hit me. I no longer had to buy a purse based on it's size.
I've always carried a larger one to accommodate things my husband may have needed while we were out.
Realizing this was very emotional for me.
Another small thing that seemed big.
Another change.
I bought the larger purse anyway.
In some ways I feel like the purse, from the outside you would never know it was empty and void.
But on the inside, I still have that hollow feeling.
Still waiting for the Lord to fill me.
Friday, March 14, 2014
Bird Houses and Feeders
My husbands confinement to our bedroom by choice and circumstance left me scrambling for things to do to bring him some enjoyment.
I eventually purchased a bird feeder for him to watch and had a birdhouse made for him.
He really enjoyed the birds, we even had the pleasure of a visit from a rainbow bird!
We had never seen one before so it was really a treat and even more so with it's return the last couple of years.
Since taking the hospital bed down I realized there was no reason to keep the feeders and house where they were located since I would not be able to enjoy them from my location.
So, I moved them,
and their relocation,
moved me to tears.
More changes.
More moments to get through.
I eventually purchased a bird feeder for him to watch and had a birdhouse made for him.
He really enjoyed the birds, we even had the pleasure of a visit from a rainbow bird! We had never seen one before so it was really a treat and even more so with it's return the last couple of years.
Since taking the hospital bed down I realized there was no reason to keep the feeders and house where they were located since I would not be able to enjoy them from my location.
So, I moved them,
and their relocation,
moved me to tears.
More changes.
More moments to get through.
Thursday, March 13, 2014
The Daily Climb
I actually think too much about getting sucked into depression.
As of today I feel like I can confidently say I am not suffering with depression, I see a flick of light at the end of the tunnel, I have hope and I believe that the days will be better, I still have wants and dreams and ideas.
My future, although uncertain, doesn't feel bleak.
I am however sad, sad very deeply. I miss my husband, even though he was cranky and cantankerous and demanding and spoiled. He also had a sweet side I try to think of the most.
Because of him I wanted to be a better me, at times, in spite of him, I wanted to be a better me.
I still do for those same reasons.
My concerns for depression rise when I see and read other caregiving stories or comments about the passing of loved ones. not recently but months and even years ago. Now, I know there is NO time table on grief so that's not what I'm saying.
They seem stuck in a loop of coulda-shoulda that weighs them down with guilt like carrying a bag with heavy rocks.
This climb over the mountain is hard enough we don't need to be carrying any bags, let alone ones filled with guilt rocks, our own or anyone else's. I want both hands free to grasp something I can cling to when I feel like I'm slipping down the slope of sadness. I need those that can show me the foot holds, take my hand, encourage me to take a breath, have a good cry when I need it, allow me to regroup when I struggle and I think I can't walk any more. I need those that will then stand me back up to continue the climb with me, be it beside me,
before me with a hand up or
behind me with support.
Yes, we all have our own feelings of coulda-shoulda. I think those are natural feelings for anyone at any part of our lives. Yet, in turn I want to be an encourager and not a rock adder.
I shared this with others a few days ago,
"If there was one thing I could go back and do different as a caregiver to my husband, on a good day or even a so so day, I would have taken a video of me telling him I love him and hope that he would respond with I love you, back.
Hind sight for me.
Seems like all I did was video the moments when things were bad so I could show the Drs his Lewy Body behaviors."
One coulda-shoulda comment left me with the feeling the responder had too many rocks in her bag. I wanted to remove some.
My reply:
"I wish I had done things differently too, been nicer, more patient, stopped asking questions I knew he would struggle to answer, helped more, helped less etc etc, but I could do that to myself all day every day and it would not have changed to outcome at all.
I did the best I could with what I knew, learned and had. I think I did a good job of it too considering all the ups and downs of lewy.
I'm moving forward, albeit slowly, but still moving towards being a whole person, proud that I made the effort. I educated, I cared physically and emotionally, most of all I loved my husband.
If a stranger told me I had let my husband down because I didn't do one more thing differently or try one more thing, I would probably punch them square in the nose. Nor am I about to self talk myself into guilt or depression. My thought was an observation, not a (self) chastisement. Maybe someone will use it to their benefit and God bless them for doing it.
You deserve a better trip into happiness in your life. The guilt train wont take you there.
As of today I feel like I can confidently say I am not suffering with depression, I see a flick of light at the end of the tunnel, I have hope and I believe that the days will be better, I still have wants and dreams and ideas.
My future, although uncertain, doesn't feel bleak.
I am however sad, sad very deeply. I miss my husband, even though he was cranky and cantankerous and demanding and spoiled. He also had a sweet side I try to think of the most.
Because of him I wanted to be a better me, at times, in spite of him, I wanted to be a better me.
I still do for those same reasons.
My concerns for depression rise when I see and read other caregiving stories or comments about the passing of loved ones. not recently but months and even years ago. Now, I know there is NO time table on grief so that's not what I'm saying.
They seem stuck in a loop of coulda-shoulda that weighs them down with guilt like carrying a bag with heavy rocks.
This climb over the mountain is hard enough we don't need to be carrying any bags, let alone ones filled with guilt rocks, our own or anyone else's. I want both hands free to grasp something I can cling to when I feel like I'm slipping down the slope of sadness. I need those that can show me the foot holds, take my hand, encourage me to take a breath, have a good cry when I need it, allow me to regroup when I struggle and I think I can't walk any more. I need those that will then stand me back up to continue the climb with me, be it beside me,
before me with a hand up or
behind me with support.
Yes, we all have our own feelings of coulda-shoulda. I think those are natural feelings for anyone at any part of our lives. Yet, in turn I want to be an encourager and not a rock adder.
I shared this with others a few days ago,
"If there was one thing I could go back and do different as a caregiver to my husband, on a good day or even a so so day, I would have taken a video of me telling him I love him and hope that he would respond with I love you, back.
Hind sight for me.
Seems like all I did was video the moments when things were bad so I could show the Drs his Lewy Body behaviors."
One coulda-shoulda comment left me with the feeling the responder had too many rocks in her bag. I wanted to remove some.
My reply:
"I wish I had done things differently too, been nicer, more patient, stopped asking questions I knew he would struggle to answer, helped more, helped less etc etc, but I could do that to myself all day every day and it would not have changed to outcome at all.
I did the best I could with what I knew, learned and had. I think I did a good job of it too considering all the ups and downs of lewy.
I'm moving forward, albeit slowly, but still moving towards being a whole person, proud that I made the effort. I educated, I cared physically and emotionally, most of all I loved my husband.
If a stranger told me I had let my husband down because I didn't do one more thing differently or try one more thing, I would probably punch them square in the nose. Nor am I about to self talk myself into guilt or depression. My thought was an observation, not a (self) chastisement. Maybe someone will use it to their benefit and God bless them for doing it.
You deserve a better trip into happiness in your life. The guilt train wont take you there.
When I said, “My foot is slipping,” your unfailing love, Lord, supported me.
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
1 month
1 month
the calendar verifys this.
How can it be a month already?
Some days if feels like it happened yesterday, sometimes even today.
Sometimes it feels like a lifetime has passed.
And sometimes, it doesn't feel like it even happened.
I'm still watching the clock to rush home, or waiting for the "Honey" or counting the plates to serve supper.
#death, #grief , #mourning
the calendar verifys this.
How can it be a month already?
Some days if feels like it happened yesterday, sometimes even today.
Sometimes it feels like a lifetime has passed.
And sometimes, it doesn't feel like it even happened.
I'm still watching the clock to rush home, or waiting for the "Honey" or counting the plates to serve supper.
#death, #grief , #mourning
Sunday, March 9, 2014
Flip Flop
I'm so tired of the emotional flip flop,
One minute, I'm okay.
The next, No I'm not.
I'm tired of crying at inconvenient times.
Lets get this stuff scheduled so I can deal and move forward.
The only time I'm certain tears will come is at night.
The dark is always hard.
One minute, I'm okay.
The next, No I'm not.
I'm tired of crying at inconvenient times.
Lets get this stuff scheduled so I can deal and move forward.
The only time I'm certain tears will come is at night.
The dark is always hard.
Saturday, March 8, 2014
The Finality of it All
Storing items, discarding things and donating others.
Empty draws, counter space, and clothing rod.
I'm finding myself face to face with the finality of it all.
Not that I've been in denial of the death of my husband, I know he is gone, it's just,
I started getting waves of,
He's gone,
he's really gone,
forever.
I am so glad that grief comes in spurts for me to deal with. This is hard enough as it is in small doses.
Tears are the only thing that seem not come in small doses when they come and they haven't finished.
Empty draws, counter space, and clothing rod.
I'm finding myself face to face with the finality of it all.
Not that I've been in denial of the death of my husband, I know he is gone, it's just,
I started getting waves of,
He's gone,
he's really gone,
forever.
I am so glad that grief comes in spurts for me to deal with. This is hard enough as it is in small doses.
Tears are the only thing that seem not come in small doses when they come and they haven't finished.
Thursday, March 6, 2014
To Sleep or Not To Sleep
Sleep. I don't seem to have a problem sleeping. I'm always tired it seems.
The problem I do seem to be experiencing is my bedroom.
"I don't wanna go to bed!"
I'm having a difficult time going to my room to sleep.
It's as though I must force myself to go in there unless I'm so exhausted I can barely keep my eyes open any longer.
In the pitch dark I find myself not wanting to turn on the light for fear of disturbing...no one. I turn on the light.
There are also times I MAKE myself go to my room. But I wind up turning on the TV to watch a DVRd show. In my mind can hear my husband ask me, "Are any of our singing shows on?"
The dogs tuck me in , each one picks a side of me and lies close.
I lay there and before I drift off, I say, "Goodnight, Honey. I love you" but only the silence responds.
At times I am overwhelmed by the finality of it all.
I cry myself to sleep.
Sleep comes, but rest does not.
I toss and turn all night.
By morning the bed covers are in total disarray. My hair matches.
Gone seem to be the nights of peaceful sleep.
I dream. Most of the time I don't remember about what.
Sometimes I dream about my husband.
He doesn't have Lewy Body Dementia in my dreams, but he always needs my help for something.
The problem I do seem to be experiencing is my bedroom.
"I don't wanna go to bed!"
I'm having a difficult time going to my room to sleep.
It's as though I must force myself to go in there unless I'm so exhausted I can barely keep my eyes open any longer.
In the pitch dark I find myself not wanting to turn on the light for fear of disturbing...no one. I turn on the light.
There are also times I MAKE myself go to my room. But I wind up turning on the TV to watch a DVRd show. In my mind can hear my husband ask me, "Are any of our singing shows on?"
The dogs tuck me in , each one picks a side of me and lies close.
I lay there and before I drift off, I say, "Goodnight, Honey. I love you" but only the silence responds.
At times I am overwhelmed by the finality of it all.
I cry myself to sleep.
Sleep comes, but rest does not.
I toss and turn all night.
By morning the bed covers are in total disarray. My hair matches.
Gone seem to be the nights of peaceful sleep.
I dream. Most of the time I don't remember about what.
Sometimes I dream about my husband.
He doesn't have Lewy Body Dementia in my dreams, but he always needs my help for something.
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Crazy Grief
Grief,
and it doesn't always mean crying, is the craziest thing!!
I made myself some lunch and FULLY expected my husband to walk in the house. Thing is, he hasn't..err... he hadn't been able to leave and go anywhere without me for YEARS!
Feeling caught me by surprise.
Might need a candy fix for it;-)
I made myself some lunch and FULLY expected my husband to walk in the house. Thing is, he hasn't..err... he hadn't been able to leave and go anywhere without me for YEARS!
Feeling caught me by surprise.
Might need a candy fix for it;-)
Mush Brain
It's just 3 weeks since my husband died.
3 weeks where every day has felt like an eternity yet they have come and gone so quickly according to the calendar.
The slow motion continues, the "mush brain" is becoming annoying.
I can't concentrate for long but I can tell it is improving. Progress.
Some times I feel like I'm watching a show where the picture and words are out of sync.
Sometimes I'm doing something that feels like the motion and emotion are too.
I can still only do one thing at a time before emotional exhaustion takes over.
I've been told to stay busy, to take it slow, get out and do something, go somewhere, sleep, eat.
My head feels like a pin ball machine with the concerned advise of others and how others have managed but my mind has a wall up and chooses to do it's own thing.
Whatever the moment requires, that's what I do.
Apparently the moments all include food though. I seem to have no issues with that.
3 weeks where every day has felt like an eternity yet they have come and gone so quickly according to the calendar.
The slow motion continues, the "mush brain" is becoming annoying.
I can't concentrate for long but I can tell it is improving. Progress.
Some times I feel like I'm watching a show where the picture and words are out of sync.
Sometimes I'm doing something that feels like the motion and emotion are too.
I can still only do one thing at a time before emotional exhaustion takes over.
I've been told to stay busy, to take it slow, get out and do something, go somewhere, sleep, eat.
My head feels like a pin ball machine with the concerned advise of others and how others have managed but my mind has a wall up and chooses to do it's own thing.
Whatever the moment requires, that's what I do.
Apparently the moments all include food though. I seem to have no issues with that.
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Prayers and Rainbows
Spending lots of time in prayer while I was chopping out the ice on the driveway when I took a break for a minute.
In the distance I could see clearing blue skies. Above me was still overcast but thinning out yet much of the sun's glare was blocked.
I turned my face in it's direction to catch some warmth and watched as it became brighter, thanking the Lord for the warmed day, the health to chop, the shovel I had, the warm boots and gloves.
I prayed for family and friends going through difficult times. We all need some peace.
I noticed the trail from an aircraft seemed to cross through the sun and then, I saw it, a very faint rainbow around the sun!
I even took my sunglasses off to be sure it just wasn't a sunglasses vision.
I had to block the sun from my eyes by now. but the rainbow ring was still there growing fainter by the second. I put my sunglasses back on and watched as it disappeared.
I have never seen a rainbow ring before! It was beautiful and very peaceful.
In the distance I could see clearing blue skies. Above me was still overcast but thinning out yet much of the sun's glare was blocked.
I turned my face in it's direction to catch some warmth and watched as it became brighter, thanking the Lord for the warmed day, the health to chop, the shovel I had, the warm boots and gloves.
I prayed for family and friends going through difficult times. We all need some peace.
I noticed the trail from an aircraft seemed to cross through the sun and then, I saw it, a very faint rainbow around the sun!
I even took my sunglasses off to be sure it just wasn't a sunglasses vision.
I had to block the sun from my eyes by now. but the rainbow ring was still there growing fainter by the second. I put my sunglasses back on and watched as it disappeared.
I have never seen a rainbow ring before! It was beautiful and very peaceful.
Home Alone
The home heating unit reached it's comfort level in the house and shut off.
I noticed the sound when it happened and I felt plunged into a deafening silence for a little while.
No noise, no sleep breathing, no rattling bed bars, no candy wrappers, no bathroom doors or conversations with nobody I could see. No "Honey".
Nothing.
And the silence was overwhelming.
I noticed the sound when it happened and I felt plunged into a deafening silence for a little while.
No noise, no sleep breathing, no rattling bed bars, no candy wrappers, no bathroom doors or conversations with nobody I could see. No "Honey".
Nothing.
And the silence was overwhelming.
Monday, March 3, 2014
Birthday
Happy Birthday, Bobby.
Party at Jesus house.
Party at Jesus house.
This is the day the Lord has made;
We will rejoice and be glad in it.
Saturday, March 1, 2014
Closets
I already cleaned out his closet.
Some of my husbands clothing will be turned into small keepsakes for our grandchildren.
The rest will go to a worthy cause we have always supported with our donations.
I held every piece close. Even the shirts he barely wore.
I cried into some of them, some I was glad to be rid of, some even found their way into the trash.
Pants, shoes, socks, t shirts, underclothes, hats.
I found pieces of paper and business cards that didn't amount to much. Campaign cards, phone numbers he had jotted down. Lots of car accessory places . He did have a passion for buying and selling. We always joked that he would even sell us if the price was right. And depending on the day the price could fluctuate ;-)
Memories. Tears. Smiles
I can still only do so much before I'm exhausted to tears.
Food has not been an issue. I'm having no trouble remembering to eat.
My choices for myself aren't that great. I rummage through the food closet looking for cereal, soup or snacks. I move the vegetables and find a couple of cans of turnip greens. I burst into tears.
I immensely dislike turnip greens but my husband liked them as much as I dislike them.
Stupid turnip greens, you made me cry but I can't throw you away.
So many things will be different now. So many things are different now. Even my grocery list will change to remove the things my husband alone liked.
Stupid grocery list.
I wonder if I will still price check those items.
Every day is something new
Some of my husbands clothing will be turned into small keepsakes for our grandchildren.
The rest will go to a worthy cause we have always supported with our donations.
I held every piece close. Even the shirts he barely wore.
I cried into some of them, some I was glad to be rid of, some even found their way into the trash.
Pants, shoes, socks, t shirts, underclothes, hats.
I found pieces of paper and business cards that didn't amount to much. Campaign cards, phone numbers he had jotted down. Lots of car accessory places . He did have a passion for buying and selling. We always joked that he would even sell us if the price was right. And depending on the day the price could fluctuate ;-)
Memories. Tears. Smiles
I can still only do so much before I'm exhausted to tears.
Food has not been an issue. I'm having no trouble remembering to eat.
My choices for myself aren't that great. I rummage through the food closet looking for cereal, soup or snacks. I move the vegetables and find a couple of cans of turnip greens. I burst into tears.
I immensely dislike turnip greens but my husband liked them as much as I dislike them.
Stupid turnip greens, you made me cry but I can't throw you away.
So many things will be different now. So many things are different now. Even my grocery list will change to remove the things my husband alone liked.
Stupid grocery list.
I wonder if I will still price check those items.
Every day is something new
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