I wander.
I walk from room to room, looking out the windows and then
standing still. Not looking for anything, not looking at anything.
Then I wander back to my computer where my friends and my family are.
Surrounded by photos and mementos of and from loved ones.
Memories.
I wonder.
I wonder what I will actually get accomplished today. I wonder if
I've waited too long to get anything accomplished or is the attempt
just a start that wont get finished. I wonder what tomorrow will
bring and am I going to feel like my life is surreal for a long time
or the rest of my life.
I pray.
I pray for sleep, but it doesn't come.
I pray for some peace, but I still feel slightly numb. Maybe that
is the peace I need?
I pray for direction for my life, but I can't see it. I'm still
searching and asking and waiting.
I pray for a purpose I can't find.
My mind wanders to happier moments. It's like it's put up a
barrier to try and prevent me from remembering anything negative.
Even though I do remember the difficult times with my husband, they are easily swept
away. I wonder if it will always be like that. I'm not exactly sure how I feel about that perception. It makes missing him harder to accept.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm just alive, but I'm not living.
I'm just wandering through the motions praying for some resolve.
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
Friday, July 11, 2014
I Just Need Sleep
Today my husband has been gone for 5 months.
I at least stopped counting the days and some times I even have to recall the date to know how long it's been. Today had been a difficult day though.
Some days it feels like yesterday when I was holding his hand and his body stopped.
Some days it feels like he has been gone for a very long time.
I'm still working on keeping depression away. It feels like actual work though.
My meds have done one thing thing well. They have made those random crying outbursts stop. I am so very grateful for that. I still have my moments when I am struck by a thought or a "trigger" of some type. I also have my days when I just go back to bed and lie there clutching my pillow and being comforted by my dogs.
The night time crying has ended for the majority of the time. Again, I am glad. I know that crying is supposed to be good for you but all it does for me is give me a headache and make me feel worse.
I struggle with sleep. In the last 5 months I've had 3 days of 3 straight hours of sleep. Other than that I wake every hour or 2. My lack of rest is beginning to take a toll on me I fear as I'm having some other side issues that feel out of my character.
As my husband's 24/7 caregiver all I wanted was a few moments for myself. Maybe to go run some unhurried errands or have some "me" time. I would have even enjoyed just a walk around my block. Now that I have the time, I wont leave my house unless I just have or need to. June was a rough month, mentally, physically and monetarily. Perhaps staying at home developed a habit of some sort, but I just don't want to leave. I feel social awkward and I feel it in large areas when I begin to feel anxious. Am I still under the internal "time clock" to hurry home?
I started wogging again. It's a cross between a run and a jog. I'm not fast, I do more walking than running but I make the effort every day or every other day. I do it in my driveway, the same place4 I did before. My circle drive is 1/10th mile around so I use it as my track. I feel secure staying close to home instead of going around the block. Something I wanted to do in the past and would have if I had the opportunity.
I have a ton of outside things I need to care for but some of the things I would do in the past without any thought are now a concern. I would have had no issue getting on my roof to blow off limbs or leaves. Now I wonder, would anyone know if I fell or became injured? Or even if I got sick?
Even though my husband would not have been able to get me help if it had happened while he was alive, there was some type of security in his presence. Now I don't feel that and I think about everything before I do it.
I wander in the house. Like my husband used to do, just go from room to room, not looking for anything in particular. Just wandering. It would be better if I actually did some housework along the way.
I feel like these are all sleep related issues. I tried changing the time I take my med thinking that would help, I take melatonin thinking that would help. Soft instrumental music, TV, going to bed late, getting up early going to bed early, hot baths. (oh FYI) I tried a epsom salts bath and all it succeeded in doing was making me sweat for 2 hrs afterward. Still no rest. I really don't want to see my Dr again about it as I don't really want to take any sleeping meds that I fear will become a habit. Something needs to give though.
I attend grief recovery twice a month. One of the ladies present said it was possible my sleep issue was due to the constant years of "on alert" for my husband. Now that he is gone my subconscious is still listening for him. She may be right.
I also took part in an #aftercare chat on twitter. I read that one former caregiver said it took her a year to get back on a regular sleep pattern. Oh I sure hope not, for me.
One good thing has happened, I changed my eating habits started wogging and have lost some of the 20 pounds I put on. That's a positive :)
Also, a precious friend sent me a box of fun, smiles and love along with some other useful relaxation things that might help me sleep. She's awesome!
I at least stopped counting the days and some times I even have to recall the date to know how long it's been. Today had been a difficult day though.
Some days it feels like yesterday when I was holding his hand and his body stopped.
Some days it feels like he has been gone for a very long time.
I'm still working on keeping depression away. It feels like actual work though.
My meds have done one thing thing well. They have made those random crying outbursts stop. I am so very grateful for that. I still have my moments when I am struck by a thought or a "trigger" of some type. I also have my days when I just go back to bed and lie there clutching my pillow and being comforted by my dogs.
The night time crying has ended for the majority of the time. Again, I am glad. I know that crying is supposed to be good for you but all it does for me is give me a headache and make me feel worse.
I struggle with sleep. In the last 5 months I've had 3 days of 3 straight hours of sleep. Other than that I wake every hour or 2. My lack of rest is beginning to take a toll on me I fear as I'm having some other side issues that feel out of my character.
As my husband's 24/7 caregiver all I wanted was a few moments for myself. Maybe to go run some unhurried errands or have some "me" time. I would have even enjoyed just a walk around my block. Now that I have the time, I wont leave my house unless I just have or need to. June was a rough month, mentally, physically and monetarily. Perhaps staying at home developed a habit of some sort, but I just don't want to leave. I feel social awkward and I feel it in large areas when I begin to feel anxious. Am I still under the internal "time clock" to hurry home?
I started wogging again. It's a cross between a run and a jog. I'm not fast, I do more walking than running but I make the effort every day or every other day. I do it in my driveway, the same place4 I did before. My circle drive is 1/10th mile around so I use it as my track. I feel secure staying close to home instead of going around the block. Something I wanted to do in the past and would have if I had the opportunity.
I have a ton of outside things I need to care for but some of the things I would do in the past without any thought are now a concern. I would have had no issue getting on my roof to blow off limbs or leaves. Now I wonder, would anyone know if I fell or became injured? Or even if I got sick?
Even though my husband would not have been able to get me help if it had happened while he was alive, there was some type of security in his presence. Now I don't feel that and I think about everything before I do it.
I wander in the house. Like my husband used to do, just go from room to room, not looking for anything in particular. Just wandering. It would be better if I actually did some housework along the way.
I feel like these are all sleep related issues. I tried changing the time I take my med thinking that would help, I take melatonin thinking that would help. Soft instrumental music, TV, going to bed late, getting up early going to bed early, hot baths. (oh FYI) I tried a epsom salts bath and all it succeeded in doing was making me sweat for 2 hrs afterward. Still no rest. I really don't want to see my Dr again about it as I don't really want to take any sleeping meds that I fear will become a habit. Something needs to give though.
I attend grief recovery twice a month. One of the ladies present said it was possible my sleep issue was due to the constant years of "on alert" for my husband. Now that he is gone my subconscious is still listening for him. She may be right.
I also took part in an #aftercare chat on twitter. I read that one former caregiver said it took her a year to get back on a regular sleep pattern. Oh I sure hope not, for me.
One good thing has happened, I changed my eating habits started wogging and have lost some of the 20 pounds I put on. That's a positive :)
Also, a precious friend sent me a box of fun, smiles and love along with some other useful relaxation things that might help me sleep. She's awesome!
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