Daily Challenges

Every day I find myself face to face with new challenges.
It's been almost 6 months since my husband moved into heaven.
I miss his presence terribly. I guess the truth about our situation is that I had many years of caregiving for him that I have already missed him for many years. There was comfort in his presence. We couldn't have important conversations. Everything that needed taken care of was handled by me. Ultimately, the responsibilities were all mine, yet throughout the day I could speak to him, I could hear his voice, I could touch and feel him and I could say I loved him and he could respond.
There was security in his presence and that sounds funny since he wouldn't have been able to help me if something had happened to me. But now I second guess everything I do, like climbing the roof to clean the gutters or walking outside with the dogs in the night thinking I may come face to face with any of the country wildlife. I now think before I act, who's going to take care of me?

Some of the challenges have been hard, some have been overwhelming for the moment and some have been pleasant. Sometimes the challenges mix together.
My husband and I didn't live for tomorrow, only for the day so we never planned for our future (EPIC FAIL). That has been it's own challenge adjusting to a new lifestyle but I'm learning and it's ok.
I wanted the kids to have something special from their father so I had the diamonds removed from his rings and gave each one of the kids a diamond. It meant so much for me to be able to do that for them. Handing the rings over was a challenge and took more emotional strength than I anticipated, meaning not a full blown break down just some tears while explaining what I wanted. Why did it seem so hard when I really wanted to do that? And it brought me so much comfort and joy that they each accepted with love and appreciation. I am truly blessed.

Some challenges are overwhelming. Interrupted sleep continues to be an issue. I think that has added to the emotional melt down a few times. In particular I spent the day in bed sobbing because I just wanted my husband back but the cold hard fact is, it's hopeless that will happen. Hopeless has got to be the worst feeling ever.
I am glad that feeling passed. I hold fast to the hope I have in the Lords promises. Though some days I barely hang on. I suppose those are the times He is holding on to me.

I am grateful for His grip!

I started having enough issues I associated with the sleep problem, I started feeling anxious whenever I would get in my car to go anyplace. I wanted to go places but had this internal jitter. It was becoming frustrating. 
The sleep issue needed addressing so I visited my Dr again. I think I've seen my Dr more in the last few months than I have in the last few years. Seriously, grief can make you feel sick! Anyway, We chose a non habit forming anxiety med to take at night. Give it time to work, she said.

While there I had to update my information.
Another challenge.
Marital Status: Widow
I stared at it for a little bit before I could write it, but it is what it is.

I decided I needed to clean out and wash my car. That doesn't seem too challenging, does it?
I hadn't done it in years! But the physical wasn't the challenge.
Without doing it on purpose, everything on the passenger side made me think of my husband as I washed it off. The inside handle, the overhead grasp bar, the window. 
As I started to scrub the floor mats, I halted for a moment as I was cleaning the passenger one. My thoughts as I watched the water was, there goes another piece of my husband.

The most recent challenge took my breath away for a moment. Standing in line at a store checkout that was close to the front door, a man started walking in. I recognized the style of shirt, the jeans the partial view of his face and hair, and my heart stopped for a moment because he looked so much like my husband, he even walked with the same stride. I could only stare at him knowing it wasn't him as he walked in and past me. 
I was able to keep it together long enough to get to my car and have a cry. 

But I believe the new meds might be helping. I started back volunteering.
I noticed the inside jitter is gone.
I feel like I have some control over the random emotions.
On an occasion I've slept longer than 3 hrs! 
And once I slept for 7!! WOO HOO! I was a new woman!
Mostly though, I still wake every 1 or 2 hrs and when I do get the rare longer stretch I am ever thankful for it.
How do I think the new meds are helping the sleep issue then?
The fact I can't sleep doesn't bother me as much anymore LOL!

I'll close on something positive.

When you're grieving, not even beautiful days can feel beautiful. But then, there are the days when the day, mind and heart all get into sync and you know there will be more beautiful days to come. 
One day at a time. #comfortcoffee

I Just Need Sleep

Today my husband has been gone for 5 months.
I at least stopped counting the days and some times I even have to recall the date to know how long it's been. Today had been a difficult day though.
Some days it feels like yesterday when I was holding his hand and his body stopped.
Some days it feels like he has been gone for a very long time.

I'm still working on keeping depression away. It feels like actual work though.
My meds have done one thing thing well. They have made those random crying outbursts stop. I am so very grateful for that. I still have my moments when I am struck by a thought or a "trigger" of some type. I also have my days when I just go back to bed and lie there clutching my pillow and being comforted by my dogs.
The night time crying has ended for the majority of the time. Again, I am glad. I know that crying is supposed to be good for you but all it does for me is give me a headache and make me feel worse.
I struggle with sleep. In the last 5 months I've had 3 days of 3 straight hours of sleep. Other than that I wake every hour or 2. My lack of rest is beginning to take a toll on me I fear as I'm having some other side issues that feel out of my character.

As my husband's 24/7 caregiver all I wanted was a few moments for myself. Maybe to go run some unhurried errands or have some "me" time. I would have even enjoyed just a walk around my block. Now that I have the time, I wont leave my house unless I just have or need to. June was a rough month, mentally, physically and monetarily. Perhaps staying at home developed a habit of some sort, but I just don't want to leave. I feel social awkward and I feel it in large areas when I begin to feel anxious. Am I still under the internal "time clock" to hurry home?

I started wogging again. It's a cross between a run and a jog. I'm not fast, I do more walking than running but I make the effort every day or every other day. I do it in my driveway, the same place4 I did before. My circle drive is 1/10th mile around so I use it as my track. I feel secure staying close to home instead of going around the block. Something I wanted to do in the past and would have if I had the opportunity.

I  have a ton of outside things I need to care for but some of the things I would do in the past without any thought are now a concern. I would have had no issue getting on my roof to blow off limbs or leaves. Now I wonder, would anyone know if I fell or became injured? Or even if I got sick?
 Even though my husband would not have been able to get me help if it had happened while he was alive, there was some type of security in his presence. Now I don't feel that and I think about everything before I do it. 

I wander in the house. Like my husband used to do, just go from room to room, not looking for anything in particular. Just wandering. It would be better if I actually did some housework along the way.

I feel like these are all sleep related issues. I tried changing the time I take my med thinking that would help, I take melatonin thinking that would help. Soft instrumental music, TV, going to bed late, getting up early going to bed early, hot baths. (oh FYI) I tried a epsom salts bath and all it succeeded in doing was making me sweat for 2 hrs afterward. Still no rest. I really don't want to see my Dr again about it as I don't really want to take any sleeping meds that I fear will become a habit. Something needs to give though.

I attend grief recovery twice a month. One of the ladies present said it was possible my sleep issue was due to the constant years of "on alert" for my husband. Now that he is gone my subconscious is still listening for him. She may be right.
I also took part in an #aftercare chat on twitter. I read that one former caregiver said it took her a year to get back on a regular sleep pattern. Oh I sure hope not, for me.

One good thing has happened, I changed my eating habits started wogging and have lost some of the 20 pounds I put on. That's a positive :)  

Also, a precious friend sent me a box of fun, smiles and love along with some other useful relaxation things that might help me sleep. She's awesome!