Daily Challenges

Every day I find myself face to face with new challenges.
It's been almost 6 months since my husband moved into heaven.
I miss his presence terribly. I guess the truth about our situation is that I had many years of caregiving for him that I have already missed him for many years. There was comfort in his presence. We couldn't have important conversations. Everything that needed taken care of was handled by me. Ultimately, the responsibilities were all mine, yet throughout the day I could speak to him, I could hear his voice, I could touch and feel him and I could say I loved him and he could respond.
There was security in his presence and that sounds funny since he wouldn't have been able to help me if something had happened to me. But now I second guess everything I do, like climbing the roof to clean the gutters or walking outside with the dogs in the night thinking I may come face to face with any of the country wildlife. I now think before I act, who's going to take care of me?

Some of the challenges have been hard, some have been overwhelming for the moment and some have been pleasant. Sometimes the challenges mix together.
My husband and I didn't live for tomorrow, only for the day so we never planned for our future (EPIC FAIL). That has been it's own challenge adjusting to a new lifestyle but I'm learning and it's ok.
I wanted the kids to have something special from their father so I had the diamonds removed from his rings and gave each one of the kids a diamond. It meant so much for me to be able to do that for them. Handing the rings over was a challenge and took more emotional strength than I anticipated, meaning not a full blown break down just some tears while explaining what I wanted. Why did it seem so hard when I really wanted to do that? And it brought me so much comfort and joy that they each accepted with love and appreciation. I am truly blessed.

Some challenges are overwhelming. Interrupted sleep continues to be an issue. I think that has added to the emotional melt down a few times. In particular I spent the day in bed sobbing because I just wanted my husband back but the cold hard fact is, it's hopeless that will happen. Hopeless has got to be the worst feeling ever.
I am glad that feeling passed. I hold fast to the hope I have in the Lords promises. Though some days I barely hang on. I suppose those are the times He is holding on to me.

I am grateful for His grip!

I started having enough issues I associated with the sleep problem, I started feeling anxious whenever I would get in my car to go anyplace. I wanted to go places but had this internal jitter. It was becoming frustrating. 
The sleep issue needed addressing so I visited my Dr again. I think I've seen my Dr more in the last few months than I have in the last few years. Seriously, grief can make you feel sick! Anyway, We chose a non habit forming anxiety med to take at night. Give it time to work, she said.

While there I had to update my information.
Another challenge.
Marital Status: Widow
I stared at it for a little bit before I could write it, but it is what it is.

I decided I needed to clean out and wash my car. That doesn't seem too challenging, does it?
I hadn't done it in years! But the physical wasn't the challenge.
Without doing it on purpose, everything on the passenger side made me think of my husband as I washed it off. The inside handle, the overhead grasp bar, the window. 
As I started to scrub the floor mats, I halted for a moment as I was cleaning the passenger one. My thoughts as I watched the water was, there goes another piece of my husband.

The most recent challenge took my breath away for a moment. Standing in line at a store checkout that was close to the front door, a man started walking in. I recognized the style of shirt, the jeans the partial view of his face and hair, and my heart stopped for a moment because he looked so much like my husband, he even walked with the same stride. I could only stare at him knowing it wasn't him as he walked in and past me. 
I was able to keep it together long enough to get to my car and have a cry. 

But I believe the new meds might be helping. I started back volunteering.
I noticed the inside jitter is gone.
I feel like I have some control over the random emotions.
On an occasion I've slept longer than 3 hrs! 
And once I slept for 7!! WOO HOO! I was a new woman!
Mostly though, I still wake every 1 or 2 hrs and when I do get the rare longer stretch I am ever thankful for it.
How do I think the new meds are helping the sleep issue then?
The fact I can't sleep doesn't bother me as much anymore LOL!

I'll close on something positive.

When you're grieving, not even beautiful days can feel beautiful. But then, there are the days when the day, mind and heart all get into sync and you know there will be more beautiful days to come. 
One day at a time. #comfortcoffee

Who Am I?

I'm struggling to find my own identity.
For so many years it was entwined with my husband and children.
My children are adults now and although I am still officially Mom, it's more of an honorary title.
The chords that held me with my children were untied as they became adults and moved into their own lives with spouses and children.
The bond that held me and my husband together was torn away. My identity entwined with him is now gone. I am no longer Mrs. but it goes deeper than that it feels like, Am I still honorary 'mother" to my husbands children? Am I still the grandma to my husbands grandchildren? Are my sister in laws and brother in law still my family? My head and heart still say, yes I am, they all still say yes I am.
My life joined to my husband became one flesh, now I feel wounded without him.

I'm trying to let the wound heal though.
I have found a wonderful volunteering opportunity with Habitat for Humanity that has been good for my heart and mind.

I come and go as I please, although I still find myself watching the "time to get home" I eat when and what I want, mostly what is not really good for me. I sleep when I want,and the only one that complains about me not going to bed is my dog.

I'm learning to budget carefully and I'm adjusting to the life style changes.
I attend grief recovery.
I try new things, some by choice some by circumstance.

I'm trying to forge out a life for myself that will no longer include my husband and it's painful.
I still have bad moments that catch me off guard and can even send me to my bed sobbing.

Sometimes I forget he isn't here anymore and I try to shop for food or clothing for him. Then I am  snapped back to reality before I finalize any transactions and replace what I am holding at that moment.
Some times I wait for him to come home, or call out to me.
I get melancholy.

Some days are really good though. And progress is felt. I finally got words and motion to sync up and go together.
I still advocate for LewyBody dementia. Until it's gone or I am I always will. Oh! and my blog, thieflewybodydementia.com , won an on line award for being a top 25 dementia blog. WOOT!

My husband would have been very pleased.

I've been absent from the blog and caregiver world. I tend to get overwhelmed with others caregiving grief on the large scale I was participating in but I still try one on one and I'm managing to process that more intimate type of support. Maybe my path through caregiving has turned into a trail for now. I don't know. I'm still finding out what I like and what my identity is. It's not an easy process.

Do I have a purpose anymore?

This last week I've had more emotional days than I would have liked.
The numb is almost gone.
The slow motion is better, I still need to get motion and sound to sync up.
It's all coming together. I hope.

NOBODY over analyze the following

I now feel as though I have a better understanding as why when one spouse dies, the other does shortly thereafter.
For almost my entire married life I was blessed to be a stay at home wife and mother.
I worked when the going got tough and the tough had to get going and stopped when my husband had things financially stable for us, and at his insisted request.
He always liked the fact I was home.
Most of the time I liked it too as it left me available for our children and my husband.
Almost all of my activities were those my children or husband were involved in.
Other than the Ladies Church class there were few things I did separate from my family.

Now my children are grown, married with their own lives. My purpose was fulfilled in their care, guidance and social development.
Now that my husband is gone, my purpose as his wife has been fulfilled as his lover, helpmate, sparring partner and more recently caregiver. 

So now what?
I've not been driven by anything towards anything.
I'm feeling empty and adrift.
My days are occupied and I appreciate that.
Yet I've pondered what the next steps are.
I've prayed for guidance and direction.
I don't want to live the rest of my life just going through the motions.
I'm tired and I'll be glad when my time here on this earth is over so I can just go "home".
I'm not looking to make that happen any sooner than it is supposed to so take a breath.

I hear and read, "Take care of yourself. It's time for you". Heck, I've even said it to others and to myself.
"Find something you enjoy" I just don't know what that is yet.
"Don't make any big decisions for at least a year." Good advise, now if I could just feel confident to make a few small ones.
"Don't forget to eat" I WISH that was a problem :/
I realize this is the process but my oh my how much effort it takes to even breathe some days.
So I need to find a way to wiggle out from under the weight of this grief, even a little.

And, I may have found my wiggle room.
I don't want to stay home taking care of the yard and the house all the time.
I want to be able to do something for someone else.
So I think I'm going to check into volunteering for Habitat for Humanity.
I enjoy working with tools and being able to bang on things in a productive manner seems like a good thing.
Maybe I can hammer out some purpose.

The Winds of Change

SO many changes!
Even the weather is changing.
Some changes for the better, some feel worse and I have very little to no control over any of them.
So I decided I needed a hair cut. And I did. a dramatic cut from long to very short.
That seems like a small thing but an important step in my independence and self care.
My caregiving had ended for another, now it is time to take care of me.

Changes to my life and my lifestyle couldn't be avoided so I have had to make adjustments to them. It's either that or find myself trapped in the black hole of depression that I keep scrambling to avoid.
I keep clinging to the only thing in my life that hasn't changed. My faith.

 Hebrews 13:8

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.