I'm struggling to find my own identity.
For so many years it was entwined with my husband and children.
My children are adults now and although I am still officially Mom, it's more of an honorary title.
The chords that held me with my children were untied as they became adults and moved into their own lives with spouses and children.
The bond that held me and my husband together was torn away. My identity entwined with him is now gone. I am no longer Mrs. but it goes deeper than that it feels like, Am I still honorary 'mother" to my husbands children? Am I still the grandma to my husbands grandchildren? Are my sister in laws and brother in law still my family? My head and heart still say, yes I am, they all still say yes I am.
My life joined to my husband became one flesh, now I feel wounded without him.
I'm trying to let the wound heal though.
I have found a wonderful volunteering opportunity with Habitat for Humanity that has been good for my heart and mind.
I come and go as I please, although I still find myself watching the "time to get home" I eat when and what I want, mostly what is not really good for me. I sleep when I want,and the only one that complains about me not going to bed is my dog.
I'm learning to budget carefully and I'm adjusting to the life style changes.
I attend grief recovery.
I try new things, some by choice some by circumstance.
I'm trying to forge out a life for myself that will no longer include my husband and it's painful.
I still have bad moments that catch me off guard and can even send me to my bed sobbing.
Sometimes I forget he isn't here anymore and I try to shop for food or clothing for him. Then I am snapped back to reality before I finalize any transactions and replace what I am holding at that moment.
Some times I wait for him to come home, or call out to me.
I get melancholy.
Some days are really good though. And progress is felt. I finally got words and motion to sync up and go together.
I still advocate for LewyBody dementia. Until it's gone or I am I always will. Oh! and my blog, thieflewybodydementia.com , won an on line award for being a top 25 dementia blog. WOOT!
My husband would have been very pleased.
I've been absent from the blog and caregiver world. I tend to get overwhelmed with others caregiving grief on the large scale I was participating in but I still try one on one and I'm managing to process that more intimate type of support. Maybe my path through caregiving has turned into a trail for now. I don't know. I'm still finding out what I like and what my identity is. It's not an easy process.
Dear Kathy, so glad to see u r back. It has been 6 months since my husband passed and I am doing as well as can b expected.just like u..good days & bad.i am seeing a counselor & keeping busy.have applied for part time work. Please keep writing..it helps to know that their r others recovering from a LBD death.
ReplyDeleteHi Pam,
DeleteThank you for your comment.
I am glad to hear you too are making progress forward.
It's not easy, is it?
I've found blogging difficult right now for lack of words.
I struggle getting my thoughts to come out and sound logical. There still seems so much effort in individual thought processing.
Give me a job, tell me what I need to do , I'll do it.
Leave me alone to think of something on my own, well, that pretty much isn't going to happen most of the time.
Is this true with you also?
At this point in my recovery(my heart was shattered into a million pieces) I am thinking a lot about the last 6 months of my husbands life. Sometimes things get confused and this is where my counselor is able to help me make some sense of my thoughts. She has been very helpful. Dealing with my grief has been horrendous and exhausting. I try to take one day at a time, not keep counting, and live in the moment. Also, let the tears fall and don't rush things.
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