Milestones

I think I reached a milestone of sorts the other day.
Another "click" moment if you will.
Alone time has not been easy for me. The silence is very difficult but with lots of prayer, I am learning to adjust and be okay with it. Since I started working / volunteering, I've kept myself busy so I don't have to face too much alone time, but the inevitable happens on days off and I am plunged into the silence. I work in the yard and in the house as it needs. The silence looms like a heavy cloud.
I finally passed through some deep feelings and I no longer go to my bed with a heavy heart and cry, I no longer fall apart where I stand, tears don't come every day for some reason another.
What I do have are moments when I feel like I'm going to cry, busy or not. I don't have those moments every day, mainly when I am alone do they sneak up and sit behind my eyes ready to roll. I blink them back.
But I noticed this last day I was alone, I didn't have the urge to cry at all. And that was a huge thing. I realized it while I was snuggling into bed and reflecting on the day.

I debated if I wanted to share this encounter because I know we all grieve differently but it made a huge impact on me.
I met a woman one day, her face reflected that she was obviously distressed and sad. I asked if she was okay. She replied that she was having a hard time with things since her husband died and being a widow was so hard. For a moment I thought she was going to cry. I thought I was going to cry. I told her my husband had died too so I understood a little of how she was feeling. We shared a little between each other and I wished her well as she walked away. Her grief was so obvious and it hurt my heart to see. I don't remember if I prayed for her but I sure hope I did.
I encountered her again a few weeks later. Same disposition, same woe, same distress in her face and appearance. I recognized her grief. I have had that extent too. Again, I asked her if she was okay and again, she relayed the same story. I didn't remember if I asked her how long her husband had been gone the first time, I assumed recently based on her level of grief. I remember asking this time. Her answer, 8 years. 8 years! I was stunned and afraid and felt guilty.
I was stunned by the length of time she was feeling this level of grief.
I was (am) afraid that I would get stuck in my own grief and not move through it like that. I can't imagine feeling like that for such a long time. I can't imagine feeling like I do right now for such a long time and that is where...
my guilt fell into place, She was grieving that deep after 8 yrs, It's only been 8 months and I don't even feel that intense any longer.
It doesn't mean I don't love my husband, just that I know I need to move forward to have a life without him. He will never come back but will always remain a huge part of my life for the rest of my life. His death was like a physical tearing away and it hurt (s) but there is healing and I embrace that. I pray for it actually.

So I went an entire day without wanting to cry and it was like a relief. I don't expect every day to be like that but at least I know they are possible.

The next day, while working, a coworker and I were retrieving items from an outside storage area and stocking them. It was overcast with a threat of rain and a little dreary and cool. We were carrying the items on a furniture trolly into the store . After we it loaded, we got a running start with it to go up the slope toward the main building. On the way back down I had a "free spirit" moment and sat on the trolly. I tried to encourage my co worker to ride with me but she declined. Although, she did offer to give me a push, and she did. We were laughing and squealing like school girls when the trolly headed for the side of the storage building. And for a moment, after such a long time I thought, "It feels good to be alive"