Pale Thin Line

I've been trying to forge out a life for myself. One that is absent of my husband and it hasn't been easy.
But I am trying .

I even attended the church I am a member of, for the first time in 8 years!  I was prepared for sobbing, actually I was afraid of sobbing. I didn't want to do that and my fear of it kept me away. I had to remain in control of my emotions before I could make that move. I'm not in control of my emotions though but I went anyway at the invitation of a friend. HA HA I was invited to my home church!  Much of my fear of going was unmet and the service and reunion with the people of my heart went well and almost tearless.

My imagination had the better part of me, as it did when I attended a wedding of a sweet young woman I have known almost her entire life. Weddings can be emotional and I wanted to be there. I also wanted to feel like I wouldn't fall apart, so I took a friend. Her husband had passed away last year and I asked her to be my plus one. I feared the sobbing. But the wedding was beautiful, the reception was fun and I even turned to my friend and said, "Hey, now we are eligible to catch the bouquet!" The entire event was wonderful and my fears were unmet.

I'm trying so hard not to fall into a state of major depression that it took the gentle encouragement of my "God sent sister" to show me that I am so busy trying to see the signs of the BIG drop off to the depression pit, I'm not noticing the earth moving under my feet.
Grief doesn't come with a book or a step by step instruction sheet. Everyone goes through it differently and at their own pace. She pointed out things I had relayed to her, I don't sleep well, I eat just to eat and have gained 20 lbs since my husband went into the hosp in Jan, I cry for no particular reason. I'm kind of lost without a solid purpose.
These things sound like grief but after hearing these words echoed by my friend, I also realize these could be signs of creeping depression. That line can be so thin and barely noticeable. So I visited my Dr today and, cue the tears, asked for an ounce of prevention in an anti depressant until I can get out of this circle of symptoms. She agreed with me.
I KNOW what I need to do, Think about what I put in my mouth, move my body, sleep regular hours, stay hydrated. I just need a jump start to move in that direction consecutively.  Once my mind is functioning properly, everything else will/should fall into place. So, I asked for a short term plan. Now short term does not mean 2 weeks. So my short term can be anywhere from 6 months to 2 years, My Dr and I will keep up with how I'm doing and I can depend on my friend to honestly tell me what differences if any she notices. I have a plan. I think it's a good one.

Who Am I?

I'm struggling to find my own identity.
For so many years it was entwined with my husband and children.
My children are adults now and although I am still officially Mom, it's more of an honorary title.
The chords that held me with my children were untied as they became adults and moved into their own lives with spouses and children.
The bond that held me and my husband together was torn away. My identity entwined with him is now gone. I am no longer Mrs. but it goes deeper than that it feels like, Am I still honorary 'mother" to my husbands children? Am I still the grandma to my husbands grandchildren? Are my sister in laws and brother in law still my family? My head and heart still say, yes I am, they all still say yes I am.
My life joined to my husband became one flesh, now I feel wounded without him.

I'm trying to let the wound heal though.
I have found a wonderful volunteering opportunity with Habitat for Humanity that has been good for my heart and mind.

I come and go as I please, although I still find myself watching the "time to get home" I eat when and what I want, mostly what is not really good for me. I sleep when I want,and the only one that complains about me not going to bed is my dog.

I'm learning to budget carefully and I'm adjusting to the life style changes.
I attend grief recovery.
I try new things, some by choice some by circumstance.

I'm trying to forge out a life for myself that will no longer include my husband and it's painful.
I still have bad moments that catch me off guard and can even send me to my bed sobbing.

Sometimes I forget he isn't here anymore and I try to shop for food or clothing for him. Then I am  snapped back to reality before I finalize any transactions and replace what I am holding at that moment.
Some times I wait for him to come home, or call out to me.
I get melancholy.

Some days are really good though. And progress is felt. I finally got words and motion to sync up and go together.
I still advocate for LewyBody dementia. Until it's gone or I am I always will. Oh! and my blog, thieflewybodydementia.com , won an on line award for being a top 25 dementia blog. WOOT!

My husband would have been very pleased.

I've been absent from the blog and caregiver world. I tend to get overwhelmed with others caregiving grief on the large scale I was participating in but I still try one on one and I'm managing to process that more intimate type of support. Maybe my path through caregiving has turned into a trail for now. I don't know. I'm still finding out what I like and what my identity is. It's not an easy process.