Breathe, step forward, repeat

The seasons changed from Summer to fall.
The fall changed to winter even though the temperatures haven't realized the time of year it is.
The time changed, the weather changed, the leaves changed and fell.

The holidays are in full swing and almost over with now. This year I decided I needed to do something, anything more than I have been in the past few years, especially last year. Last year was the first without my husband. Had it not been for writing it down I probably couldn't tell you what I did last year.
The year came and went at break neck speed for the longest time.
I read something that was the greatest description. Sleepwalking. The first year I was sleepwalking but functioning. The second year I'm still sleepwalking but waking periodically

When that happens I stop and think to myself, Is this really my life?
The answer is always, yes.

So as the changes still come, I am learning a new normal. Something I had to learn to do as a caregiver, a new normal, often.
I am embracing the moments I can spend with my family. I am letting go of self doubt and I'm embracing the job I love and the new friends and co workers my heart has made.

I prayerfully prepared for the worst of emotions as the big things happened, Thanksgiving, Anniversary, Christmas. The emotional worst didn't happen but the emotional minors did. I still get caught off guard by the little things sometimes. A friend warning me about social media "widow trolls" asked me if I had changed my relationship status from married to widow yet. No, I can't bring myself to do it. A little word but it has a huge impact on my emotional well being. My heart is still married. I miss my husband, maybe I always will. Still taking one day at a time some days.

Holidays, Anniversaries and We, Oh My

Holidays, Anniversaries and We, Oh My

I knew they were coming. You can't stop them from arriving so I prepared myself for them. I prayed for peace and strength of heart. I think, to some degree I braced myself for the emotional upheaval by putting up a wall of emotional distance, I chose to do something very different for Thanksgiving. The day turned out to be really good.

I got through it.

2 days later was my anniversary, or , would have been my 33^rd anniversary. I spent the day not rehashing the bad but appreciating how my life was changed for the better when I met my husband.

I then gifted myself with a bedroom makeover project. It's time for a bedroom for me. I had already removed all of hospital equipment. I knew the floor needed new carpet. It was a major idea but I started stripping wallpaper that day.

I got through it.

It was a few days later when I was knee deep into my project that emotional wall came down and I had a melt down. Part feeling a little overwhelmed by my decision, part feeling like I was removing my husband from the intimate part of our house.

I prayed for peace, because it hurt.

Christmas was coming. My mind went through all of the traditions I normally carried out but had scaled back when my husband became so ill. 

Was I going to do those again? 

Could I even do them? 

It's not that I hated Christmas, I love Christmas but I wasn't ready for the activity that required so much emotional involvement. 

I kept recalling that the last Dec seemed to be the drop off the cliff for my husband. I wasn't trying to think about it, it just kept creeping in. Again, I placed that wall of distance up and just wished Christmas would quietly slip by without the big production.

I stayed busy with work and that helped.

I thought about sending Christmas cards, but I never did. The cards received were eventually opened and appreciated but they too were set down in a pile. It was truly a struggle for my heart every time I checked the mailbox and got a card. The worst was when a card arrived addressed to both me and my husband, from a friend, whom knew.

I kept things very simple and quiet. A small table top tree was displayed so I didn't appear to be a scrooge and I made one small batch of cookies on Christmas day at the request of my son. I put the tree on the table a couple of days before , it still had one ornament from last year. Plugging it in was the best it got. It was Jesus birthday anyway so I didn't feel bad for basically concentrating on that and asking Him to carry me through these difficult days and nights.

I enjoyed the happy times with my children and grandsons

I got through it.

New Years Day always had traditions too. I didn't normally care for them but they were important to my husband so every year I cooked his New years tradition.

My FaceBook status: Black eyed peas and hog jowl cooking. Some traditions are hard to break even if you don't necessarily like them and now they make you cry.

I got through it.

January came with it's own issues. The previous Jan was a struggle for my husband and his eventual admission to the hospital and subsequent Hospice inpatient stay. The tears seemed to flow on their own. No purposeful lingering or reflections about the year before. As if my mind did as it chose. I accepted it as it came and acknowledged the thoughts. I also reminded myself it was normal and I was ok and would be ok.

I found myself still involved in my bedroom project. It seemed like it was taking forever. I also made one other decision to get myself out of the money crunch so I could do a few things for myself, like my bedroom redo. I had my satellite turned off.

I don't miss it.

February came. And with it the realization that our, my 15 yr old dog had a tumor. I had to put Lady, aka Elvis because my husband couldn't remember her name, down on Feb 9^th. Then the 11^th marked the one year anniversary of my husband's heavenly birthday. I chose to work that day and I realized my emotions were sitting right behind my eyes so I stayed in my office catching up on paperwork most of the day with the blessing of my boss. She just let me do what I felt I needed to get through the day. Her support has been a true blessing. I took a long lunch with my daughter and son in law. I spoke, text or received a text from each of the other kids. I have a very supportive family. I love them all so much. We lean on one another and build each other up.

The kids and I decided to have a commemorative gathering but we couldn't all get together on that particular day so we chose the weekend. Sat was in the 70s! What a beautiful day! BUT, we had already set aside picked Sun afternoon. The weather took a turn and it was 31 degrees, and windy. Due to the cold, some of the family couldn't attend but those of us that could, bundled up. We wrote notes and attached them to balloons. They were supposed to sail off into the sky. Umm yeah, things didn't go exactly as planned. Many of the balloons got tangled in a tree. Thanks wind.

  But I will say, the tree was pretty.

Afterward, we went out to eat.

We got through it.

Our daughter said it beautifully: “This last year has been a stinging year of "firsts" without Dad. First birthdays, first holidays, first everything. Tomorrow is our last first because tomorrow is the first anniversary of Dad's passing. And while we miss him like crazy, I take comfort in knowing his year was profoundly better than it would have been had he been with us still. His first time to be completely healed, first time seeing Jesus, first opportunity to worship in God's physical presence. What a sad year it's been here on earth, but what an amazing year for him it must have been. Tomorrow I will not mourn, but instead I will celebrate because this last year was Dad's best year, by far.”

So one year is passed. Some days it still feels like yesterday. Some days it feels like a lifetime.

I'm moving forward, one day at a time still. I make plans, I have have fun. I laugh, I still cry, not as much. I finally finished my bedroom project with the help of my daughter and son in law. I'm making a life for me and I can talk about my husband with fewer tears of sorrow. My biggest thing I realize is that I still refer to “us” “we” “our”. I wonder how long that will continue? However long it takes, I know one thing.

I'll get through it.