Pale Thin Line

I've been trying to forge out a life for myself. One that is absent of my husband and it hasn't been easy.
But I am trying .

I even attended the church I am a member of, for the first time in 8 years!  I was prepared for sobbing, actually I was afraid of sobbing. I didn't want to do that and my fear of it kept me away. I had to remain in control of my emotions before I could make that move. I'm not in control of my emotions though but I went anyway at the invitation of a friend. HA HA I was invited to my home church!  Much of my fear of going was unmet and the service and reunion with the people of my heart went well and almost tearless.

My imagination had the better part of me, as it did when I attended a wedding of a sweet young woman I have known almost her entire life. Weddings can be emotional and I wanted to be there. I also wanted to feel like I wouldn't fall apart, so I took a friend. Her husband had passed away last year and I asked her to be my plus one. I feared the sobbing. But the wedding was beautiful, the reception was fun and I even turned to my friend and said, "Hey, now we are eligible to catch the bouquet!" The entire event was wonderful and my fears were unmet.

I'm trying so hard not to fall into a state of major depression that it took the gentle encouragement of my "God sent sister" to show me that I am so busy trying to see the signs of the BIG drop off to the depression pit, I'm not noticing the earth moving under my feet.
Grief doesn't come with a book or a step by step instruction sheet. Everyone goes through it differently and at their own pace. She pointed out things I had relayed to her, I don't sleep well, I eat just to eat and have gained 20 lbs since my husband went into the hosp in Jan, I cry for no particular reason. I'm kind of lost without a solid purpose.
These things sound like grief but after hearing these words echoed by my friend, I also realize these could be signs of creeping depression. That line can be so thin and barely noticeable. So I visited my Dr today and, cue the tears, asked for an ounce of prevention in an anti depressant until I can get out of this circle of symptoms. She agreed with me.
I KNOW what I need to do, Think about what I put in my mouth, move my body, sleep regular hours, stay hydrated. I just need a jump start to move in that direction consecutively.  Once my mind is functioning properly, everything else will/should fall into place. So, I asked for a short term plan. Now short term does not mean 2 weeks. So my short term can be anywhere from 6 months to 2 years, My Dr and I will keep up with how I'm doing and I can depend on my friend to honestly tell me what differences if any she notices. I have a plan. I think it's a good one.

Who Am I?

I'm struggling to find my own identity.
For so many years it was entwined with my husband and children.
My children are adults now and although I am still officially Mom, it's more of an honorary title.
The chords that held me with my children were untied as they became adults and moved into their own lives with spouses and children.
The bond that held me and my husband together was torn away. My identity entwined with him is now gone. I am no longer Mrs. but it goes deeper than that it feels like, Am I still honorary 'mother" to my husbands children? Am I still the grandma to my husbands grandchildren? Are my sister in laws and brother in law still my family? My head and heart still say, yes I am, they all still say yes I am.
My life joined to my husband became one flesh, now I feel wounded without him.

I'm trying to let the wound heal though.
I have found a wonderful volunteering opportunity with Habitat for Humanity that has been good for my heart and mind.

I come and go as I please, although I still find myself watching the "time to get home" I eat when and what I want, mostly what is not really good for me. I sleep when I want,and the only one that complains about me not going to bed is my dog.

I'm learning to budget carefully and I'm adjusting to the life style changes.
I attend grief recovery.
I try new things, some by choice some by circumstance.

I'm trying to forge out a life for myself that will no longer include my husband and it's painful.
I still have bad moments that catch me off guard and can even send me to my bed sobbing.

Sometimes I forget he isn't here anymore and I try to shop for food or clothing for him. Then I am  snapped back to reality before I finalize any transactions and replace what I am holding at that moment.
Some times I wait for him to come home, or call out to me.
I get melancholy.

Some days are really good though. And progress is felt. I finally got words and motion to sync up and go together.
I still advocate for LewyBody dementia. Until it's gone or I am I always will. Oh! and my blog, thieflewybodydementia.com , won an on line award for being a top 25 dementia blog. WOOT!

My husband would have been very pleased.

I've been absent from the blog and caregiver world. I tend to get overwhelmed with others caregiving grief on the large scale I was participating in but I still try one on one and I'm managing to process that more intimate type of support. Maybe my path through caregiving has turned into a trail for now. I don't know. I'm still finding out what I like and what my identity is. It's not an easy process.

Leave a message after the beep

Today I changed the greeting on the answering machine.
It was harder to do than I thought.

Something Just Like It But Different

I'm feeling the shifting weight of this grief.
Some things feel a little easier to get through, face and do.
Some things feel like they are new and harder.

I've had to make changes to the lifestyle I had become accustomed to. Those particular changes were not difficult to make. Things, I can do without.

I'm making adjustments in my life by getting involved in volunteering so I don't feel like I'm trapped at home only doing things for myself. I believe I will enjoy this new venture.
Coming home to an empty house at an odd time is difficult though.

What I am grateful for is that I don't have to sort through it all at once. It comes in segments.

Today I made oatmeal

I thought I had rounded a corner of sorts.
Spoke with Habitat for Humanity and I'm looking forward to being involved in something constructive and less self. I even made a huge leap in self control when a day with errands that could have been emotionally breaking ended just tired.
Those errands included a visit to the funeral home to order my husbands V.A. plaque.
A final filing of the guardianship I had to file yearly, this one included his death certificate.
And the visit for information on volunteering. During that visit I told someone I needed to find a purpose for myself since my husband died. I didn't even choke up when I said it. That seemed huge to me.

Yes, it seemed that things might just be melding into a new normal.

This morning, I made a bowl of oatmeal.
As I stirred it, the whole world seemed to collapse and my tears fell with it.
UGH!
This grief roller coaster is as hard as the lewy body one.
I just want to ride the kiddy train now.

Do I have a purpose anymore?

This last week I've had more emotional days than I would have liked.
The numb is almost gone.
The slow motion is better, I still need to get motion and sound to sync up.
It's all coming together. I hope.

NOBODY over analyze the following

I now feel as though I have a better understanding as why when one spouse dies, the other does shortly thereafter.
For almost my entire married life I was blessed to be a stay at home wife and mother.
I worked when the going got tough and the tough had to get going and stopped when my husband had things financially stable for us, and at his insisted request.
He always liked the fact I was home.
Most of the time I liked it too as it left me available for our children and my husband.
Almost all of my activities were those my children or husband were involved in.
Other than the Ladies Church class there were few things I did separate from my family.

Now my children are grown, married with their own lives. My purpose was fulfilled in their care, guidance and social development.
Now that my husband is gone, my purpose as his wife has been fulfilled as his lover, helpmate, sparring partner and more recently caregiver. 

So now what?
I've not been driven by anything towards anything.
I'm feeling empty and adrift.
My days are occupied and I appreciate that.
Yet I've pondered what the next steps are.
I've prayed for guidance and direction.
I don't want to live the rest of my life just going through the motions.
I'm tired and I'll be glad when my time here on this earth is over so I can just go "home".
I'm not looking to make that happen any sooner than it is supposed to so take a breath.

I hear and read, "Take care of yourself. It's time for you". Heck, I've even said it to others and to myself.
"Find something you enjoy" I just don't know what that is yet.
"Don't make any big decisions for at least a year." Good advise, now if I could just feel confident to make a few small ones.
"Don't forget to eat" I WISH that was a problem :/
I realize this is the process but my oh my how much effort it takes to even breathe some days.
So I need to find a way to wiggle out from under the weight of this grief, even a little.

And, I may have found my wiggle room.
I don't want to stay home taking care of the yard and the house all the time.
I want to be able to do something for someone else.
So I think I'm going to check into volunteering for Habitat for Humanity.
I enjoy working with tools and being able to bang on things in a productive manner seems like a good thing.
Maybe I can hammer out some purpose.

Revolving Door of Grief

Over the last few days I've been experiencing some anxiety.
I also have this very odd sensation that my husband will just walk in the door.
So it feels like, I'm waiting for his return.

Yes, I do have a lot of things going on and I'm trying to keep them prioritized into, rational and irrational, justified and unjustified, necessary and unnecessary.
I'm trying to continue to find where it is I belong in this new life. Everything feels so hard. I struggle with concentration yet and I'm still locked in the inability to sync words and actions. Is this what A.D.D. feels like? Bless those that have that, if it is.

I think the worst for me is the "self" bubble. I have a difficult time not thinking about me and my pain, physical and emotional. I'm either disconnected to others or so empathetic that I feel their pain and anguish.

All of this is getting a little better though, just progressing slowly.

I try, just not too hard, to stay in the caregiver loop and I want to stay in the Lewy Body one as well, I just find myself annoyed in general and as of today angry at my husband.
I've been reading articles relating to dementia and caregiver comments as well as things from others that have lewy body.
I read how they are still fighting their disease by exercise or actively involved in therapy. Traveling as much as they can, willingly participating in activities as their minds and bodies allow.
And I'm jealous that they do.
I'm angry that my husband wouldn't even try.
I'm angry with myself for being angry.

That's today though.

Tomorrow will probably be some other off the wall emotion.
I'll just need to get these tears over and done with first.