Milestones

I think I reached a milestone of sorts the other day.
Another "click" moment if you will.
Alone time has not been easy for me. The silence is very difficult but with lots of prayer, I am learning to adjust and be okay with it. Since I started working / volunteering, I've kept myself busy so I don't have to face too much alone time, but the inevitable happens on days off and I am plunged into the silence. I work in the yard and in the house as it needs. The silence looms like a heavy cloud.
I finally passed through some deep feelings and I no longer go to my bed with a heavy heart and cry, I no longer fall apart where I stand, tears don't come every day for some reason another.
What I do have are moments when I feel like I'm going to cry, busy or not. I don't have those moments every day, mainly when I am alone do they sneak up and sit behind my eyes ready to roll. I blink them back.
But I noticed this last day I was alone, I didn't have the urge to cry at all. And that was a huge thing. I realized it while I was snuggling into bed and reflecting on the day.

I debated if I wanted to share this encounter because I know we all grieve differently but it made a huge impact on me.
I met a woman one day, her face reflected that she was obviously distressed and sad. I asked if she was okay. She replied that she was having a hard time with things since her husband died and being a widow was so hard. For a moment I thought she was going to cry. I thought I was going to cry. I told her my husband had died too so I understood a little of how she was feeling. We shared a little between each other and I wished her well as she walked away. Her grief was so obvious and it hurt my heart to see. I don't remember if I prayed for her but I sure hope I did.
I encountered her again a few weeks later. Same disposition, same woe, same distress in her face and appearance. I recognized her grief. I have had that extent too. Again, I asked her if she was okay and again, she relayed the same story. I didn't remember if I asked her how long her husband had been gone the first time, I assumed recently based on her level of grief. I remember asking this time. Her answer, 8 years. 8 years! I was stunned and afraid and felt guilty.
I was stunned by the length of time she was feeling this level of grief.
I was (am) afraid that I would get stuck in my own grief and not move through it like that. I can't imagine feeling like that for such a long time. I can't imagine feeling like I do right now for such a long time and that is where...
my guilt fell into place, She was grieving that deep after 8 yrs, It's only been 8 months and I don't even feel that intense any longer.
It doesn't mean I don't love my husband, just that I know I need to move forward to have a life without him. He will never come back but will always remain a huge part of my life for the rest of my life. His death was like a physical tearing away and it hurt (s) but there is healing and I embrace that. I pray for it actually.

So I went an entire day without wanting to cry and it was like a relief. I don't expect every day to be like that but at least I know they are possible.

The next day, while working, a coworker and I were retrieving items from an outside storage area and stocking them. It was overcast with a threat of rain and a little dreary and cool. We were carrying the items on a furniture trolly into the store . After we it loaded, we got a running start with it to go up the slope toward the main building. On the way back down I had a "free spirit" moment and sat on the trolly. I tried to encourage my co worker to ride with me but she declined. Although, she did offer to give me a push, and she did. We were laughing and squealing like school girls when the trolly headed for the side of the storage building. And for a moment, after such a long time I thought, "It feels good to be alive"

Cornbread and Buttermilk

I've been staying busy, a good busy.

I feel abundantly blessed with a job that fills my desire to help others and give back.

I meet the most interesting and precious people. I meet some cantankerous ones too but they are few and far between.

I feel like I'm doing well. I'm sleeping quite well and I no longer need my antidepressant or anxiety meds.

I am glad they were available to help me cross that deep part of the river of tears.

I'm finding joy, I laugh, hard sometimes. I cherish whatever time I get with those I love. I make plans, not far off but still make them. I look forward to things. I'm learning to navigate this new life void of my husband. It isn't always easy but it's getting easier and I'm doing it.

I've had a few observations about me.

1. I'm looking at men. Hold on now, it's not what you think! I realized, I'm looking for my husband. Anything that reminds me of him, walk, talk, clothing, hair. Odd as it sounds.
2. The change in the weather makes some days more difficult. Rain, cold I find myself missing my husband more.
3. Once our children grew up, married and their family extended I decided I wouldn't put a lot of undue stress on them by insisting we have family Thanksgiving Dinner. In fact, any time I get to spend with my family is considered Thanksgiving to me yet I find myself anxious about the upcoming Holiday. I guess, even though we never did much, at least Hubby and I were together. I am looking into perhaps serving at a local church dinner or nursing home.
4. I was sharing the fact with someone that, my husband had died. Later in the conversation that person referred to me as widow. My brain exploded and it screamed “You shut your mouth!” but outwardly, I only nodded in agreement

And, I still have those caught off guard moments.

Today I talked with the sweetest older couple.

The gentleman was telling about dating his wife -then girlfriend -61 years ago. They had a difference in height so he would stand a step or 2 below her to give her a kiss goodnight after returning her to her front porch and her waiting father.

The lady beamed and added, “that was before we had air conditioner”

The gentleman continued by saying that her father was waiting at the window and if an attempt to have more than one kiss was made, the father would have a coughing fit. We all laughed really hard.

It was obvious they were still deeply in love.

She said they had been blessed with a wonderful marriage, children, grandchildren and great grandchildren as well as good health. I loved hearing their story. He chirped in and said, “You know what keeps me healthy? Cornbread and buttermilk”

That's when I felt it, tears were welling and there was no stopping it. I had to excuse myself and go to another room for a little while to compose myself.

You see, my husband loved cornbread and buttermilk.

It's always the little things.

Running Away From Home

My Sister in Law and her grand daughter (my great niece) have had their own grief to deal with. My sister in law's daughter (niece's mom) passed away a year ago. 

Over the years my sister in law has said goodbye to a sister, her only son, her mother, her husband, her only daughter and now her brother; my husband.

My sister in law buries herself in “home” work, inside and outside constantly to deal with her grief. I tease her that the family took bets on how we would find her on her final day. I picked, Riding the lawnmower slumped over going around and around a tree ;-)

I understand why she wants to stay so busy, she doesn't have to think about anything but the tasks at hand. To me, she seems very isolated from others. To her, she likes the solitude. Different personalities.

She and her grand daughter had planned a vacation and in their kindness, invited me. At first I said no for financial reasons, but the invite was all inclusive with the use of my car and shared driving. I changed my mind and said YES! 

My Favorite stop, The Arches

I was ever grateful for their kindness. 

I needed away from here. 

I needed a change of scenery, 

I needed some company. 

We spent 9 days traveling to places I had never been, West to the Mountains.
Our first stop was Pikes Peak. I'll just say, if you have never been there GO but take in the elevation gradually . We took a one day drive, and hit it the next morning. It took me 5 days to recover from the elevation changes in my body! It was still a great time and we had a lot of fun and shared a LOT of laughs. Love them!

My sleep issues remained the same, something I was concerned about and they didn't change much, other than a straight 5 hrs one night. WOO HOO!!

I am ever grateful to my sister in law and niece for their reciprocated love and support.

I wondered if I was still considered family. Silly thought , I know, but I truly wondered if the death of my husband had severed that tie to them. This is the part that you can add, some family doesn't have to be by blood, they are by choice. I choose them as they choose me.

Then we came home.

That's when the silence started to suffocate me.

It was everywhere. Getting worse by the day. I would play the radio for the company but it wasn't helping. I was still volunteering but I had to come home. I was still having sleep issues. I thought I may have been going mad. I tried to stay positive but I couldn't shake the deafening silence!

So, I ran away from home. I made arrangements for my dogs and family to see if I could be a couch and refrigerator bum. Threw some clothes, a brush and a toothbrush in a suitcase, (I had no idea what I packed) and drove to Florida!

That's when it happened.

While I was there I had some sort of sleep breakthrough.

I started sleeping all night. 8 uninterrupted hrs or more! I was amazed but ever so grateful for the blessing of sleep!

I had some other sort of breakthrough but I couldn't quite put my finger on it, until I came home.

I spent 16 days in the company of loved ones I hadn't seen in years, just being. I even bought a bathing suit. I haven't owned one in years!! It was glorious!

Then I came home.

And you know what? My sleep is still improved.

I feel mentally better somehow, well enough I actually was able to stop taking my anti depressant and anxiety meds with no issues.

You're probably thinking I forgot my husband. Nope! I still remember him. My thoughts are more on the better times and less on my sadness without him. 

My heart pain is softening. I still have moments but I know they will pass and I will be ok and stronger for them. Long forgotten memories of random things enter my mind and I smile. Reminders of fun times and sweet moments cover my heart from the piercing pangs of grief.

I'll share some of my FB status with you.

1) Observation - 

The road through grief recovery can be long, bumpy, tiresome, filled with unexpected detours, flash flooding or rock slides and construction delays.
Yet sometimes, something new and beautiful just around the corner. Keep your eyes open for the beauty and your heart open to the peace. ‪#‎comfortcoffee‬ 

2) Laughter is good for you -

Volunteering at the Habitat store, I was helping a gentleman with an item. He started telling me how he had plans for a remodel to keep him off of his wife's bad list. We joked about the list and marriage in general. He told me how long he had been married. I replied he must like it to stay. He said she was wife #3 and I laughed. I told him I was wife #4 for my husband and it took him that many times to get it perfect. The guy looked at me and said "perfect, huh?" I emphatically said "Absolutely, He wouldn't dispute it! Of course he passed away in Feb so he can't dispute it, so I can say it any way I want." The man busted out laughing and told me I had it all figured out.
Well of course I do ROFLOL!!!

3) **This one is Kathy Humor you were warned you either get it or you don't. Look away if you are over sensitive. -
Funeral Home called, they were placing (Hubby's) Veterans Memorial Plaque. I met them there to inter the remains that wouldn't go in his urn. Shovel in the back, cremains in the front. Passed a police officer. I wasn't speeding but he pulled over behind me and followed for a while even making a turn I did.
I actually thought about speeding up so he would pull me over and ask me where I was going. I would have looked over my glasses and answered, "to bury a body"

4) Blessings -

I've struggled with a purpose for my life since (Hubby) passed away. I truly understand how the remaining spouse can feel so lost that giving up would be easier than the moment by moment walk through recovery. I questioned God if there was a need for me anymore and I even ran away for a couple of weeks to escape the maddening silence. Yet with the help of much prayer and unwavering support from family and friends (yes I'm talking about you) I can say I see hope again. I see a future for me and even though it is one absent from (Hubby) it is the path the Lord has for me. That path was evident when I was asked to take the position as Volunteer Coordinator for Habitat for Humanity. I admit I stared in disbelief at the offer. I am truly blessed.
How much the Father loves his children and gives them good gifts! ‪#‎childoftheKing‬

Daily Challenges

Every day I find myself face to face with new challenges.
It's been almost 6 months since my husband moved into heaven.
I miss his presence terribly. I guess the truth about our situation is that I had many years of caregiving for him that I have already missed him for many years. There was comfort in his presence. We couldn't have important conversations. Everything that needed taken care of was handled by me. Ultimately, the responsibilities were all mine, yet throughout the day I could speak to him, I could hear his voice, I could touch and feel him and I could say I loved him and he could respond.
There was security in his presence and that sounds funny since he wouldn't have been able to help me if something had happened to me. But now I second guess everything I do, like climbing the roof to clean the gutters or walking outside with the dogs in the night thinking I may come face to face with any of the country wildlife. I now think before I act, who's going to take care of me?

Some of the challenges have been hard, some have been overwhelming for the moment and some have been pleasant. Sometimes the challenges mix together.
My husband and I didn't live for tomorrow, only for the day so we never planned for our future (EPIC FAIL). That has been it's own challenge adjusting to a new lifestyle but I'm learning and it's ok.
I wanted the kids to have something special from their father so I had the diamonds removed from his rings and gave each one of the kids a diamond. It meant so much for me to be able to do that for them. Handing the rings over was a challenge and took more emotional strength than I anticipated, meaning not a full blown break down just some tears while explaining what I wanted. Why did it seem so hard when I really wanted to do that? And it brought me so much comfort and joy that they each accepted with love and appreciation. I am truly blessed.

Some challenges are overwhelming. Interrupted sleep continues to be an issue. I think that has added to the emotional melt down a few times. In particular I spent the day in bed sobbing because I just wanted my husband back but the cold hard fact is, it's hopeless that will happen. Hopeless has got to be the worst feeling ever.
I am glad that feeling passed. I hold fast to the hope I have in the Lords promises. Though some days I barely hang on. I suppose those are the times He is holding on to me.

I am grateful for His grip!

I started having enough issues I associated with the sleep problem, I started feeling anxious whenever I would get in my car to go anyplace. I wanted to go places but had this internal jitter. It was becoming frustrating. 
The sleep issue needed addressing so I visited my Dr again. I think I've seen my Dr more in the last few months than I have in the last few years. Seriously, grief can make you feel sick! Anyway, We chose a non habit forming anxiety med to take at night. Give it time to work, she said.

While there I had to update my information.
Another challenge.
Marital Status: Widow
I stared at it for a little bit before I could write it, but it is what it is.

I decided I needed to clean out and wash my car. That doesn't seem too challenging, does it?
I hadn't done it in years! But the physical wasn't the challenge.
Without doing it on purpose, everything on the passenger side made me think of my husband as I washed it off. The inside handle, the overhead grasp bar, the window. 
As I started to scrub the floor mats, I halted for a moment as I was cleaning the passenger one. My thoughts as I watched the water was, there goes another piece of my husband.

The most recent challenge took my breath away for a moment. Standing in line at a store checkout that was close to the front door, a man started walking in. I recognized the style of shirt, the jeans the partial view of his face and hair, and my heart stopped for a moment because he looked so much like my husband, he even walked with the same stride. I could only stare at him knowing it wasn't him as he walked in and past me. 
I was able to keep it together long enough to get to my car and have a cry. 

But I believe the new meds might be helping. I started back volunteering.
I noticed the inside jitter is gone.
I feel like I have some control over the random emotions.
On an occasion I've slept longer than 3 hrs! 
And once I slept for 7!! WOO HOO! I was a new woman!
Mostly though, I still wake every 1 or 2 hrs and when I do get the rare longer stretch I am ever thankful for it.
How do I think the new meds are helping the sleep issue then?
The fact I can't sleep doesn't bother me as much anymore LOL!

I'll close on something positive.

When you're grieving, not even beautiful days can feel beautiful. But then, there are the days when the day, mind and heart all get into sync and you know there will be more beautiful days to come. 
One day at a time. #comfortcoffee

This Thing Called Grief

I wander.
I walk from room to room, looking out the windows and then standing still. Not looking for anything, not looking at anything. Then I wander back to my computer where my friends and my family are.
Surrounded by photos and mementos of and from loved ones.
Memories.


I wonder.
I wonder what I will actually get accomplished today. I wonder if I've waited too long to get anything accomplished or is the attempt just a start that wont get finished. I wonder what tomorrow will bring and am I going to feel like my life is surreal for a long time or the rest of my life.


I pray.
I pray for sleep, but it doesn't come.
I pray for some peace, but I still feel slightly numb. Maybe that is the peace I need?
I pray for direction for my life, but I can't see it. I'm still searching and asking and waiting.
I pray for a purpose I can't find.

My mind wanders to happier moments. It's like it's put up a barrier to try and prevent me from remembering anything negative. Even though I do remember the difficult times with my husband, they are easily swept away. I wonder if it will always be like that. I'm not exactly sure how I feel about that perception. It makes missing him harder to accept.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm just alive, but I'm not living.
I'm just wandering through the motions praying for some resolve.

I Just Need Sleep

Today my husband has been gone for 5 months.
I at least stopped counting the days and some times I even have to recall the date to know how long it's been. Today had been a difficult day though.
Some days it feels like yesterday when I was holding his hand and his body stopped.
Some days it feels like he has been gone for a very long time.

I'm still working on keeping depression away. It feels like actual work though.
My meds have done one thing thing well. They have made those random crying outbursts stop. I am so very grateful for that. I still have my moments when I am struck by a thought or a "trigger" of some type. I also have my days when I just go back to bed and lie there clutching my pillow and being comforted by my dogs.
The night time crying has ended for the majority of the time. Again, I am glad. I know that crying is supposed to be good for you but all it does for me is give me a headache and make me feel worse.
I struggle with sleep. In the last 5 months I've had 3 days of 3 straight hours of sleep. Other than that I wake every hour or 2. My lack of rest is beginning to take a toll on me I fear as I'm having some other side issues that feel out of my character.

As my husband's 24/7 caregiver all I wanted was a few moments for myself. Maybe to go run some unhurried errands or have some "me" time. I would have even enjoyed just a walk around my block. Now that I have the time, I wont leave my house unless I just have or need to. June was a rough month, mentally, physically and monetarily. Perhaps staying at home developed a habit of some sort, but I just don't want to leave. I feel social awkward and I feel it in large areas when I begin to feel anxious. Am I still under the internal "time clock" to hurry home?

I started wogging again. It's a cross between a run and a jog. I'm not fast, I do more walking than running but I make the effort every day or every other day. I do it in my driveway, the same place4 I did before. My circle drive is 1/10th mile around so I use it as my track. I feel secure staying close to home instead of going around the block. Something I wanted to do in the past and would have if I had the opportunity.

I  have a ton of outside things I need to care for but some of the things I would do in the past without any thought are now a concern. I would have had no issue getting on my roof to blow off limbs or leaves. Now I wonder, would anyone know if I fell or became injured? Or even if I got sick?
 Even though my husband would not have been able to get me help if it had happened while he was alive, there was some type of security in his presence. Now I don't feel that and I think about everything before I do it. 

I wander in the house. Like my husband used to do, just go from room to room, not looking for anything in particular. Just wandering. It would be better if I actually did some housework along the way.

I feel like these are all sleep related issues. I tried changing the time I take my med thinking that would help, I take melatonin thinking that would help. Soft instrumental music, TV, going to bed late, getting up early going to bed early, hot baths. (oh FYI) I tried a epsom salts bath and all it succeeded in doing was making me sweat for 2 hrs afterward. Still no rest. I really don't want to see my Dr again about it as I don't really want to take any sleeping meds that I fear will become a habit. Something needs to give though.

I attend grief recovery twice a month. One of the ladies present said it was possible my sleep issue was due to the constant years of "on alert" for my husband. Now that he is gone my subconscious is still listening for him. She may be right.
I also took part in an #aftercare chat on twitter. I read that one former caregiver said it took her a year to get back on a regular sleep pattern. Oh I sure hope not, for me.

One good thing has happened, I changed my eating habits started wogging and have lost some of the 20 pounds I put on. That's a positive :)  

Also, a precious friend sent me a box of fun, smiles and love along with some other useful relaxation things that might help me sleep. She's awesome!

Pale Thin Line

I've been trying to forge out a life for myself. One that is absent of my husband and it hasn't been easy.
But I am trying .

I even attended the church I am a member of, for the first time in 8 years!  I was prepared for sobbing, actually I was afraid of sobbing. I didn't want to do that and my fear of it kept me away. I had to remain in control of my emotions before I could make that move. I'm not in control of my emotions though but I went anyway at the invitation of a friend. HA HA I was invited to my home church!  Much of my fear of going was unmet and the service and reunion with the people of my heart went well and almost tearless.

My imagination had the better part of me, as it did when I attended a wedding of a sweet young woman I have known almost her entire life. Weddings can be emotional and I wanted to be there. I also wanted to feel like I wouldn't fall apart, so I took a friend. Her husband had passed away last year and I asked her to be my plus one. I feared the sobbing. But the wedding was beautiful, the reception was fun and I even turned to my friend and said, "Hey, now we are eligible to catch the bouquet!" The entire event was wonderful and my fears were unmet.

I'm trying so hard not to fall into a state of major depression that it took the gentle encouragement of my "God sent sister" to show me that I am so busy trying to see the signs of the BIG drop off to the depression pit, I'm not noticing the earth moving under my feet.
Grief doesn't come with a book or a step by step instruction sheet. Everyone goes through it differently and at their own pace. She pointed out things I had relayed to her, I don't sleep well, I eat just to eat and have gained 20 lbs since my husband went into the hosp in Jan, I cry for no particular reason. I'm kind of lost without a solid purpose.
These things sound like grief but after hearing these words echoed by my friend, I also realize these could be signs of creeping depression. That line can be so thin and barely noticeable. So I visited my Dr today and, cue the tears, asked for an ounce of prevention in an anti depressant until I can get out of this circle of symptoms. She agreed with me.
I KNOW what I need to do, Think about what I put in my mouth, move my body, sleep regular hours, stay hydrated. I just need a jump start to move in that direction consecutively.  Once my mind is functioning properly, everything else will/should fall into place. So, I asked for a short term plan. Now short term does not mean 2 weeks. So my short term can be anywhere from 6 months to 2 years, My Dr and I will keep up with how I'm doing and I can depend on my friend to honestly tell me what differences if any she notices. I have a plan. I think it's a good one.