18 months

It's not as consistently close as it used to be but I still see it. Out of the corner of my eye I keep watch on it.
"Stay busy and it wont bother you", I tell myself. That's true to some degree.
Sometimes I have to dodge it. I know it will sting so I drop everything and run around a corner to hide from it. My heart racing and breath heavy but I try to keep those in check. I close my eyes, take a breath and step out to carry on with the day.

It's been 18 months since my husband moved into his eternal home.
A year and one half.
I still feel like I need to fight to get through some days. Mostly the all alone days.
They are getting better though.
I'm not wallowing around in the grief, it just feels like a little black cloud that comes out of nowhere and I can't outrun or hide from for very long before it rains on me.

This is not my first experience in dealing with death. My mother died, my grandparents have all died, friends and loved ones have died.
This, this is so different in many ways.
One of the oddest is the change in relationship with others. This is going to sound funny so bear with me.

I LOVE the job I have, the people I work with, the people I associate with! I'm happy, healthy, ok ok I have some improvement that can be made but don't we all? I'm emotionally stable. I'm truly doing well overall and fighting grief is all part of the process. In other words, I'm normal. Stop laughing now.

For a little while I wasn't sure though. 
I was experiencing something I couldn't quite put my finger on. I finally asked other remaining spouses if they had the same thing and the answer has been YES. So, here it is.

At first there was a detachment to all others. It felt like I was all alone in a very crowded room. Then I connected to a core group of family but it felt like everyone else was far away. In making progress it started to feel like I was getting closer to others but there was a wall between us. Eventually the wall thinned and came down. Yet now, even though I can  appreciate and enjoy others, I have this odd sensation that we are still separated by plastic wrap. That's the best I can explain it. I can reach out and touch and interact but still not making complete contact with everyone. It's a very odd sensation and I hope it wont last a long time. I miss...me.

I'm ok even when it doesn't feel like it.

It's been over a year since my husband passed on to his eternal home in Heaven and escaped lewy body dementia.
I'm doing well, I attended grief recovery.
I have interests, I have friends.
I'm carving out a new life for me.
I volunteer so I can help someone else, I work.
Life keeps moving forward, I'm moving with it.
My heart is still married.
The days are softer, I can speak of my husband without tears escaping. 
I can laugh and remember fondly and remember the truth about our life and how hard it could be at times. 
I didn't place him on a pedestal.
I'm doing the things I would have wanted had I been the one that passed first. 
I'm not lonely, I just don't like being alone for a lot of things.
Yes, I'm doing well but even in that, I occasionally have a day when I feel overwhelmed by his absence and I missed him so very much.
It's normal and it's going to happen again I am pretty sure.

Holidays, Anniversaries and We, Oh My

Holidays, Anniversaries and We, Oh My

I knew they were coming. You can't stop them from arriving so I prepared myself for them. I prayed for peace and strength of heart. I think, to some degree I braced myself for the emotional upheaval by putting up a wall of emotional distance, I chose to do something very different for Thanksgiving. The day turned out to be really good.

I got through it.

2 days later was my anniversary, or , would have been my 33^rd anniversary. I spent the day not rehashing the bad but appreciating how my life was changed for the better when I met my husband.

I then gifted myself with a bedroom makeover project. It's time for a bedroom for me. I had already removed all of hospital equipment. I knew the floor needed new carpet. It was a major idea but I started stripping wallpaper that day.

I got through it.

It was a few days later when I was knee deep into my project that emotional wall came down and I had a melt down. Part feeling a little overwhelmed by my decision, part feeling like I was removing my husband from the intimate part of our house.

I prayed for peace, because it hurt.

Christmas was coming. My mind went through all of the traditions I normally carried out but had scaled back when my husband became so ill. 

Was I going to do those again? 

Could I even do them? 

It's not that I hated Christmas, I love Christmas but I wasn't ready for the activity that required so much emotional involvement. 

I kept recalling that the last Dec seemed to be the drop off the cliff for my husband. I wasn't trying to think about it, it just kept creeping in. Again, I placed that wall of distance up and just wished Christmas would quietly slip by without the big production.

I stayed busy with work and that helped.

I thought about sending Christmas cards, but I never did. The cards received were eventually opened and appreciated but they too were set down in a pile. It was truly a struggle for my heart every time I checked the mailbox and got a card. The worst was when a card arrived addressed to both me and my husband, from a friend, whom knew.

I kept things very simple and quiet. A small table top tree was displayed so I didn't appear to be a scrooge and I made one small batch of cookies on Christmas day at the request of my son. I put the tree on the table a couple of days before , it still had one ornament from last year. Plugging it in was the best it got. It was Jesus birthday anyway so I didn't feel bad for basically concentrating on that and asking Him to carry me through these difficult days and nights.

I enjoyed the happy times with my children and grandsons

I got through it.

New Years Day always had traditions too. I didn't normally care for them but they were important to my husband so every year I cooked his New years tradition.

My FaceBook status: Black eyed peas and hog jowl cooking. Some traditions are hard to break even if you don't necessarily like them and now they make you cry.

I got through it.

January came with it's own issues. The previous Jan was a struggle for my husband and his eventual admission to the hospital and subsequent Hospice inpatient stay. The tears seemed to flow on their own. No purposeful lingering or reflections about the year before. As if my mind did as it chose. I accepted it as it came and acknowledged the thoughts. I also reminded myself it was normal and I was ok and would be ok.

I found myself still involved in my bedroom project. It seemed like it was taking forever. I also made one other decision to get myself out of the money crunch so I could do a few things for myself, like my bedroom redo. I had my satellite turned off.

I don't miss it.

February came. And with it the realization that our, my 15 yr old dog had a tumor. I had to put Lady, aka Elvis because my husband couldn't remember her name, down on Feb 9^th. Then the 11^th marked the one year anniversary of my husband's heavenly birthday. I chose to work that day and I realized my emotions were sitting right behind my eyes so I stayed in my office catching up on paperwork most of the day with the blessing of my boss. She just let me do what I felt I needed to get through the day. Her support has been a true blessing. I took a long lunch with my daughter and son in law. I spoke, text or received a text from each of the other kids. I have a very supportive family. I love them all so much. We lean on one another and build each other up.

The kids and I decided to have a commemorative gathering but we couldn't all get together on that particular day so we chose the weekend. Sat was in the 70s! What a beautiful day! BUT, we had already set aside picked Sun afternoon. The weather took a turn and it was 31 degrees, and windy. Due to the cold, some of the family couldn't attend but those of us that could, bundled up. We wrote notes and attached them to balloons. They were supposed to sail off into the sky. Umm yeah, things didn't go exactly as planned. Many of the balloons got tangled in a tree. Thanks wind.

  But I will say, the tree was pretty.

Afterward, we went out to eat.

We got through it.

Our daughter said it beautifully: “This last year has been a stinging year of "firsts" without Dad. First birthdays, first holidays, first everything. Tomorrow is our last first because tomorrow is the first anniversary of Dad's passing. And while we miss him like crazy, I take comfort in knowing his year was profoundly better than it would have been had he been with us still. His first time to be completely healed, first time seeing Jesus, first opportunity to worship in God's physical presence. What a sad year it's been here on earth, but what an amazing year for him it must have been. Tomorrow I will not mourn, but instead I will celebrate because this last year was Dad's best year, by far.”

So one year is passed. Some days it still feels like yesterday. Some days it feels like a lifetime.

I'm moving forward, one day at a time still. I make plans, I have have fun. I laugh, I still cry, not as much. I finally finished my bedroom project with the help of my daughter and son in law. I'm making a life for me and I can talk about my husband with fewer tears of sorrow. My biggest thing I realize is that I still refer to “us” “we” “our”. I wonder how long that will continue? However long it takes, I know one thing.

I'll get through it.

Milestones

I think I reached a milestone of sorts the other day.
Another "click" moment if you will.
Alone time has not been easy for me. The silence is very difficult but with lots of prayer, I am learning to adjust and be okay with it. Since I started working / volunteering, I've kept myself busy so I don't have to face too much alone time, but the inevitable happens on days off and I am plunged into the silence. I work in the yard and in the house as it needs. The silence looms like a heavy cloud.
I finally passed through some deep feelings and I no longer go to my bed with a heavy heart and cry, I no longer fall apart where I stand, tears don't come every day for some reason another.
What I do have are moments when I feel like I'm going to cry, busy or not. I don't have those moments every day, mainly when I am alone do they sneak up and sit behind my eyes ready to roll. I blink them back.
But I noticed this last day I was alone, I didn't have the urge to cry at all. And that was a huge thing. I realized it while I was snuggling into bed and reflecting on the day.

I debated if I wanted to share this encounter because I know we all grieve differently but it made a huge impact on me.
I met a woman one day, her face reflected that she was obviously distressed and sad. I asked if she was okay. She replied that she was having a hard time with things since her husband died and being a widow was so hard. For a moment I thought she was going to cry. I thought I was going to cry. I told her my husband had died too so I understood a little of how she was feeling. We shared a little between each other and I wished her well as she walked away. Her grief was so obvious and it hurt my heart to see. I don't remember if I prayed for her but I sure hope I did.
I encountered her again a few weeks later. Same disposition, same woe, same distress in her face and appearance. I recognized her grief. I have had that extent too. Again, I asked her if she was okay and again, she relayed the same story. I didn't remember if I asked her how long her husband had been gone the first time, I assumed recently based on her level of grief. I remember asking this time. Her answer, 8 years. 8 years! I was stunned and afraid and felt guilty.
I was stunned by the length of time she was feeling this level of grief.
I was (am) afraid that I would get stuck in my own grief and not move through it like that. I can't imagine feeling like that for such a long time. I can't imagine feeling like I do right now for such a long time and that is where...
my guilt fell into place, She was grieving that deep after 8 yrs, It's only been 8 months and I don't even feel that intense any longer.
It doesn't mean I don't love my husband, just that I know I need to move forward to have a life without him. He will never come back but will always remain a huge part of my life for the rest of my life. His death was like a physical tearing away and it hurt (s) but there is healing and I embrace that. I pray for it actually.

So I went an entire day without wanting to cry and it was like a relief. I don't expect every day to be like that but at least I know they are possible.

The next day, while working, a coworker and I were retrieving items from an outside storage area and stocking them. It was overcast with a threat of rain and a little dreary and cool. We were carrying the items on a furniture trolly into the store . After we it loaded, we got a running start with it to go up the slope toward the main building. On the way back down I had a "free spirit" moment and sat on the trolly. I tried to encourage my co worker to ride with me but she declined. Although, she did offer to give me a push, and she did. We were laughing and squealing like school girls when the trolly headed for the side of the storage building. And for a moment, after such a long time I thought, "It feels good to be alive"

Cornbread and Buttermilk

I've been staying busy, a good busy.

I feel abundantly blessed with a job that fills my desire to help others and give back.

I meet the most interesting and precious people. I meet some cantankerous ones too but they are few and far between.

I feel like I'm doing well. I'm sleeping quite well and I no longer need my antidepressant or anxiety meds.

I am glad they were available to help me cross that deep part of the river of tears.

I'm finding joy, I laugh, hard sometimes. I cherish whatever time I get with those I love. I make plans, not far off but still make them. I look forward to things. I'm learning to navigate this new life void of my husband. It isn't always easy but it's getting easier and I'm doing it.

I've had a few observations about me.

1. I'm looking at men. Hold on now, it's not what you think! I realized, I'm looking for my husband. Anything that reminds me of him, walk, talk, clothing, hair. Odd as it sounds.
2. The change in the weather makes some days more difficult. Rain, cold I find myself missing my husband more.
3. Once our children grew up, married and their family extended I decided I wouldn't put a lot of undue stress on them by insisting we have family Thanksgiving Dinner. In fact, any time I get to spend with my family is considered Thanksgiving to me yet I find myself anxious about the upcoming Holiday. I guess, even though we never did much, at least Hubby and I were together. I am looking into perhaps serving at a local church dinner or nursing home.
4. I was sharing the fact with someone that, my husband had died. Later in the conversation that person referred to me as widow. My brain exploded and it screamed “You shut your mouth!” but outwardly, I only nodded in agreement

And, I still have those caught off guard moments.

Today I talked with the sweetest older couple.

The gentleman was telling about dating his wife -then girlfriend -61 years ago. They had a difference in height so he would stand a step or 2 below her to give her a kiss goodnight after returning her to her front porch and her waiting father.

The lady beamed and added, “that was before we had air conditioner”

The gentleman continued by saying that her father was waiting at the window and if an attempt to have more than one kiss was made, the father would have a coughing fit. We all laughed really hard.

It was obvious they were still deeply in love.

She said they had been blessed with a wonderful marriage, children, grandchildren and great grandchildren as well as good health. I loved hearing their story. He chirped in and said, “You know what keeps me healthy? Cornbread and buttermilk”

That's when I felt it, tears were welling and there was no stopping it. I had to excuse myself and go to another room for a little while to compose myself.

You see, my husband loved cornbread and buttermilk.

It's always the little things.

Running Away From Home

My Sister in Law and her grand daughter (my great niece) have had their own grief to deal with. My sister in law's daughter (niece's mom) passed away a year ago. 

Over the years my sister in law has said goodbye to a sister, her only son, her mother, her husband, her only daughter and now her brother; my husband.

My sister in law buries herself in “home” work, inside and outside constantly to deal with her grief. I tease her that the family took bets on how we would find her on her final day. I picked, Riding the lawnmower slumped over going around and around a tree ;-)

I understand why she wants to stay so busy, she doesn't have to think about anything but the tasks at hand. To me, she seems very isolated from others. To her, she likes the solitude. Different personalities.

She and her grand daughter had planned a vacation and in their kindness, invited me. At first I said no for financial reasons, but the invite was all inclusive with the use of my car and shared driving. I changed my mind and said YES! 

My Favorite stop, The Arches

I was ever grateful for their kindness. 

I needed away from here. 

I needed a change of scenery, 

I needed some company. 

We spent 9 days traveling to places I had never been, West to the Mountains.
Our first stop was Pikes Peak. I'll just say, if you have never been there GO but take in the elevation gradually . We took a one day drive, and hit it the next morning. It took me 5 days to recover from the elevation changes in my body! It was still a great time and we had a lot of fun and shared a LOT of laughs. Love them!

My sleep issues remained the same, something I was concerned about and they didn't change much, other than a straight 5 hrs one night. WOO HOO!!

I am ever grateful to my sister in law and niece for their reciprocated love and support.

I wondered if I was still considered family. Silly thought , I know, but I truly wondered if the death of my husband had severed that tie to them. This is the part that you can add, some family doesn't have to be by blood, they are by choice. I choose them as they choose me.

Then we came home.

That's when the silence started to suffocate me.

It was everywhere. Getting worse by the day. I would play the radio for the company but it wasn't helping. I was still volunteering but I had to come home. I was still having sleep issues. I thought I may have been going mad. I tried to stay positive but I couldn't shake the deafening silence!

So, I ran away from home. I made arrangements for my dogs and family to see if I could be a couch and refrigerator bum. Threw some clothes, a brush and a toothbrush in a suitcase, (I had no idea what I packed) and drove to Florida!

That's when it happened.

While I was there I had some sort of sleep breakthrough.

I started sleeping all night. 8 uninterrupted hrs or more! I was amazed but ever so grateful for the blessing of sleep!

I had some other sort of breakthrough but I couldn't quite put my finger on it, until I came home.

I spent 16 days in the company of loved ones I hadn't seen in years, just being. I even bought a bathing suit. I haven't owned one in years!! It was glorious!

Then I came home.

And you know what? My sleep is still improved.

I feel mentally better somehow, well enough I actually was able to stop taking my anti depressant and anxiety meds with no issues.

You're probably thinking I forgot my husband. Nope! I still remember him. My thoughts are more on the better times and less on my sadness without him. 

My heart pain is softening. I still have moments but I know they will pass and I will be ok and stronger for them. Long forgotten memories of random things enter my mind and I smile. Reminders of fun times and sweet moments cover my heart from the piercing pangs of grief.

I'll share some of my FB status with you.

1) Observation - 

The road through grief recovery can be long, bumpy, tiresome, filled with unexpected detours, flash flooding or rock slides and construction delays.
Yet sometimes, something new and beautiful just around the corner. Keep your eyes open for the beauty and your heart open to the peace. ‪#‎comfortcoffee‬ 

2) Laughter is good for you -

Volunteering at the Habitat store, I was helping a gentleman with an item. He started telling me how he had plans for a remodel to keep him off of his wife's bad list. We joked about the list and marriage in general. He told me how long he had been married. I replied he must like it to stay. He said she was wife #3 and I laughed. I told him I was wife #4 for my husband and it took him that many times to get it perfect. The guy looked at me and said "perfect, huh?" I emphatically said "Absolutely, He wouldn't dispute it! Of course he passed away in Feb so he can't dispute it, so I can say it any way I want." The man busted out laughing and told me I had it all figured out.
Well of course I do ROFLOL!!!

3) **This one is Kathy Humor you were warned you either get it or you don't. Look away if you are over sensitive. -
Funeral Home called, they were placing (Hubby's) Veterans Memorial Plaque. I met them there to inter the remains that wouldn't go in his urn. Shovel in the back, cremains in the front. Passed a police officer. I wasn't speeding but he pulled over behind me and followed for a while even making a turn I did.
I actually thought about speeding up so he would pull me over and ask me where I was going. I would have looked over my glasses and answered, "to bury a body"

4) Blessings -

I've struggled with a purpose for my life since (Hubby) passed away. I truly understand how the remaining spouse can feel so lost that giving up would be easier than the moment by moment walk through recovery. I questioned God if there was a need for me anymore and I even ran away for a couple of weeks to escape the maddening silence. Yet with the help of much prayer and unwavering support from family and friends (yes I'm talking about you) I can say I see hope again. I see a future for me and even though it is one absent from (Hubby) it is the path the Lord has for me. That path was evident when I was asked to take the position as Volunteer Coordinator for Habitat for Humanity. I admit I stared in disbelief at the offer. I am truly blessed.
How much the Father loves his children and gives them good gifts! ‪#‎childoftheKing‬

Daily Challenges

Every day I find myself face to face with new challenges.
It's been almost 6 months since my husband moved into heaven.
I miss his presence terribly. I guess the truth about our situation is that I had many years of caregiving for him that I have already missed him for many years. There was comfort in his presence. We couldn't have important conversations. Everything that needed taken care of was handled by me. Ultimately, the responsibilities were all mine, yet throughout the day I could speak to him, I could hear his voice, I could touch and feel him and I could say I loved him and he could respond.
There was security in his presence and that sounds funny since he wouldn't have been able to help me if something had happened to me. But now I second guess everything I do, like climbing the roof to clean the gutters or walking outside with the dogs in the night thinking I may come face to face with any of the country wildlife. I now think before I act, who's going to take care of me?

Some of the challenges have been hard, some have been overwhelming for the moment and some have been pleasant. Sometimes the challenges mix together.
My husband and I didn't live for tomorrow, only for the day so we never planned for our future (EPIC FAIL). That has been it's own challenge adjusting to a new lifestyle but I'm learning and it's ok.
I wanted the kids to have something special from their father so I had the diamonds removed from his rings and gave each one of the kids a diamond. It meant so much for me to be able to do that for them. Handing the rings over was a challenge and took more emotional strength than I anticipated, meaning not a full blown break down just some tears while explaining what I wanted. Why did it seem so hard when I really wanted to do that? And it brought me so much comfort and joy that they each accepted with love and appreciation. I am truly blessed.

Some challenges are overwhelming. Interrupted sleep continues to be an issue. I think that has added to the emotional melt down a few times. In particular I spent the day in bed sobbing because I just wanted my husband back but the cold hard fact is, it's hopeless that will happen. Hopeless has got to be the worst feeling ever.
I am glad that feeling passed. I hold fast to the hope I have in the Lords promises. Though some days I barely hang on. I suppose those are the times He is holding on to me.

I am grateful for His grip!

I started having enough issues I associated with the sleep problem, I started feeling anxious whenever I would get in my car to go anyplace. I wanted to go places but had this internal jitter. It was becoming frustrating. 
The sleep issue needed addressing so I visited my Dr again. I think I've seen my Dr more in the last few months than I have in the last few years. Seriously, grief can make you feel sick! Anyway, We chose a non habit forming anxiety med to take at night. Give it time to work, she said.

While there I had to update my information.
Another challenge.
Marital Status: Widow
I stared at it for a little bit before I could write it, but it is what it is.

I decided I needed to clean out and wash my car. That doesn't seem too challenging, does it?
I hadn't done it in years! But the physical wasn't the challenge.
Without doing it on purpose, everything on the passenger side made me think of my husband as I washed it off. The inside handle, the overhead grasp bar, the window. 
As I started to scrub the floor mats, I halted for a moment as I was cleaning the passenger one. My thoughts as I watched the water was, there goes another piece of my husband.

The most recent challenge took my breath away for a moment. Standing in line at a store checkout that was close to the front door, a man started walking in. I recognized the style of shirt, the jeans the partial view of his face and hair, and my heart stopped for a moment because he looked so much like my husband, he even walked with the same stride. I could only stare at him knowing it wasn't him as he walked in and past me. 
I was able to keep it together long enough to get to my car and have a cry. 

But I believe the new meds might be helping. I started back volunteering.
I noticed the inside jitter is gone.
I feel like I have some control over the random emotions.
On an occasion I've slept longer than 3 hrs! 
And once I slept for 7!! WOO HOO! I was a new woman!
Mostly though, I still wake every 1 or 2 hrs and when I do get the rare longer stretch I am ever thankful for it.
How do I think the new meds are helping the sleep issue then?
The fact I can't sleep doesn't bother me as much anymore LOL!

I'll close on something positive.

When you're grieving, not even beautiful days can feel beautiful. But then, there are the days when the day, mind and heart all get into sync and you know there will be more beautiful days to come. 
One day at a time. #comfortcoffee