Busy

Had what felt like a busy day away from home.
It's amazing to me how much emotional energy it takes to leave the house and do anything.
My errands were fairly simple.
I made a stop at the funeral home to get my husbands flag, neatly folded and placed in a protective case.
(I had a moment, once inside the car)
I need to find a nice wooden box for it.
He was entitled to a headstone, a bronze plaque or a medallion. Since he chose to be cremated I selected the medallion to affix to a final cremation urn. I just haven't found the one I want yet.

A trip to Social Security went as I was told to expect but learning that I would not be able to get benefits  from my husband until I turned 60 was still hard to hear.
(I had a moment inside the car)

I enjoyed lunch with a precious friend who ministers to my heart. We shared laughter, tears and prayer. 

Not a lot of things but enough to make me feel completely exhausted.

Psalm 119:28

My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word.

 

Grief Group

I attended a grief group yesterday.
It was nice, intimate and non threatening.
I only needed one tissue.

I am hoping that through this I can not only help myself remain whole through this grief process but also help another. I seriously fear getting stuck in the grief and not getting out. Bitter and angry are 2 emotions that do not suit me.
I am also hoping I can feel filled again.
Right now, I feel empty.  I can't quite put my finger on it to describe yet. I don't feel depressed, been there done that not wanting to return, I have moments of happy and sad but I'm just empty, still looking for a purpose.
I've prayed that if this is how God wants me, than I am His to fill.
Until then I'm walking hollow and displaced.

I had a moment in conversing with someone when I started to say, "my husband" and for a microsecond I wondered, do I get to still say he is my husband?
I did say it, my heart and mind are still married. My memories are too.
Yet in that microsecond a wave of emotion plowed me over.
Where do I even fit in anymore?
UGH I hate being caught off guard!

Some Days Are Going to be Like That

Since my husband didn't want any kind of public service, we had a family gathering on Sunday. It was nice to be together.

Yesterday was a struggle, no that sounds too easy, fight. Yesterday was a fight emotionally so the dogs and I spent most of the day in bed.
crying
It ended that way too.
I cried myself to sleep.

Sensory Overload

Feeling a little better I accepted an invitation to do a little errand running with my daughter and her husband. I haven't been out of the house for very much. The weather is changing for the better and a light sweater was comfortable enough.
It still feels odd to just walk out the door without making sure things and people are in place. The ride was another emotion. When I drive I have to concentrate on my surroundings and stay alert for safety, when another drives I can just look out at the scenery. A melancholy ride even though I participated in chit chat and light and fun conversation.
We weren't gone long to mix among the masses when I began to feel very, very tired. I had to concentrate so hard on what I was doing and saying. I think I may have gone into sensory overload and I was even having a difficult time talking in sentences that made sense. It was enough to frustrate me at one time. Of course my daughter and I joked that maybe I was having a stroke but I ran through what I remembered about the FAST check for a stroke

F ace - My face wasn't drooped and my smile raised equally on both sides and I was able to stick out my tongue at her.
A rms - I was able to raise both arms above my head without weakness or numbness but I did hit the headliner in the car
S peech - I was able to communicate all my words clearly
T ime - had I had any of the above issues it would have been time to call for help

No, I'm pretty confident that my crazy word finding and slow reactions and extreme exhaustion were all part of my sensory overload and with time it will go away.

Not Lost

When someone dies, especially a loved one, I try not to say the word lost.
Lost makes me feel like the death was somehow my fault, I lost someone.
It also makes me feel like I can find them again.

My husband is not lost, My belief in Christ gives me faith that my husband resides in Heaven with the Lord. If I know where he is, how can he be lost?

No, I try not to say lost.
Pass away sounds better, sounds gentle, sounds peaceful yet still sad.
But lately, I've been using the word died.

I've had contact with a few of the outside world that didn't know about my husband.
So I had to inform them that he died.
Died sounds so harsh and final.
I've been having to practice saying the word to myself.
I've had to say it so the shock of it doesn't hurt.
Lost feels guilty, passed away sounds polite, died is final. Final.
I need to say died so I don't get stuck in the guilt or the politeness.
I think I may not be able to move forward if I get stuck there.
I worry about how I will respond when people ask. I need to know I will be ok when they do and I can give a straight forward answer without falling apart. I need to control how I react.
So I practice saying, out loud, "My husband died."
I can practice it without crying. I am making progress.

"How are you doing?",  is another one I work on.
"One day at a time"
"One moment at a time"
"I'm doing well"

In one morning in less than 5 minutes, all my efforts were tested and I failed miserably.
Tomorrow is another day.

I'm right here

Half asleep ,
half awake,
I heard my husband say "Kathy, where you at?"
I answered, "I'm right here"
and I woke myself up.
My tears aren't lost.

I even had a moment in the driveway as I was retrieving the trash can. No waiting for an aide to come and sit, not hurry to get it and get back before I was needed. I cried and I cried out for the Lord to listen to my heart because lately I don't even know what I need to pray for and sometimes even how. I thanked Him for loving me through it all.
I brought the trash can to the house.

Press on

I'm still not sick. I haven't been sick for 4 days now. (rolls eyes)
I'm glad I'm not sick, otherwise I wouldn't be able to function at all.
I'm still taking OTC meds. Yesterday I told my daughter I felt like a zombie.

I'm having a difficult time sorting out the (non) illness and the grief.

I managed a shower yesterday and I found myself just standing in the bathroom. I just stood there long enough to be completely dry and hair half dried.  My mind clicking away in prayer, thoughts, memories. Fast and furious but I never moved. Somehow I finally snapped out of it.

When I told my daughter about it she said I should place the box of meds on the counter. I told her I would with a note and the passwords to all of my stuff. We decided to make the passwords in riddles, I suggested words with friends. It feels good to smile.

The emptiness continues.
 Oddly I realized I never cried yesterday. Maybe I'm out of tears, maybe my meds have stolen them. Maybe I'm too tired. I am very tired, but I press on.