I attended a grief group yesterday.
It was nice, intimate and non threatening.
I only needed one tissue.
I am hoping that through this I can not only help myself remain whole through this grief process but also help another. I seriously fear getting stuck in the grief and not getting out. Bitter and angry are 2 emotions that do not suit me.
I am also hoping I can feel filled again.
Right now, I feel empty. I can't quite put my finger on it to describe yet. I don't feel depressed, been there done that not wanting to return, I have moments of happy and sad but I'm just empty, still looking for a purpose.
I've prayed that if this is how God wants me, than I am His to fill.
Until then I'm walking hollow and displaced.
I had a moment in conversing with someone when I started to say, "my husband" and for a microsecond I wondered, do I get to still say he is my husband?
I did say it, my heart and mind are still married. My memories are too.
Yet in that microsecond a wave of emotion plowed me over.
Where do I even fit in anymore?
UGH I hate being caught off guard!
Kathy, it is no wonder you feel "empty". Your life was consumed with caring for another, and that purpose has finished. I'm so glad you attended a grief group. Although for different issues than yours, I had a lot of therapy get me through an incredibly difficult time. I really recommend finding a good therapist - even if that means going therapist shopping until you find someone you really click with. I also think that emptiness - or numbness - is just another form of depression and crippling in its own way. I may not comment every day, but know that I am thinking of you and sending my love out to you.
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