As I was drifting off to sleep, I heard my husband call my name last night.
I keep purposely smelling everything in the bedroom. Pillows, blankets, his clothes.
Why do I think I will be comforted by it?
I am completely focused on the moments he was kind, outwardly happy or sleeping peacefully. It's as if my brain doesn't want to remember how much he suffered with his Lewy Body dementia in full swing.
Maybe it's a guard around my heart.
He is so much better off unchained from the lewy monster and I am left to start over with my feelings and thoughts. I don't have any regrets, just empty wandering. I wanted so much to keep him home but the reality was he was beyond a level of care I was able to provide. In having him hospitalized, I was able to concentrate on just loving him. I still concentrate on just loving him.
Hi Kathy,
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for the emptiness. You were able to concentrate on loving him - just as you did when he was home. In him being hospitalized, you know he was able to be comfortable and monitored as he should. You are in my prayers - I think of you often.
Kathy, You were meant to just concentrate on loving him while he passed away. You did that and by doing so, gave him the best possible passage. My heart breaks for you but keep writing. I hope each day is a little better. Love you.
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