When someone dies, especially a loved one, I try not to say the word lost.
Lost makes me feel like the death was somehow my fault, I lost someone.
It also makes me feel like I can find them again.
My husband is not lost, My belief in Christ gives me faith that my husband resides in Heaven with the Lord. If I know where he is, how can he be lost?
No, I try not to say lost.
Pass away sounds better, sounds gentle, sounds peaceful yet still sad.
But lately, I've been using the word died.
I've had contact with a few of the outside world that didn't know about my husband.
So I had to inform them that he died.
Died sounds so harsh and final.
I've been having to practice saying the word to myself.
I've had to say it so the shock of it doesn't hurt.
Lost feels guilty, passed away sounds polite, died is final. Final.
I need to say died so I don't get stuck in the guilt or the politeness.
I think I may not be able to move forward if I get stuck there.
I worry about how I will respond when people ask. I need to know I will be ok when they do and I can give a straight forward answer without falling apart. I need to control how I react.
So I practice saying, out loud, "My husband died."
I can practice it without crying. I am making progress.
"How are you doing?", is another one I work on.
"One day at a time"
"One moment at a time"
"I'm doing well"
In one morning in less than 5 minutes, all my efforts were tested and I failed miserably.
Tomorrow is another day.
Oh, my guilt is kicking in. I just want you to know that when you cry, you are not failing. I love how you describe the different definitions of describing one passing away. I have to apologize if I used the term "lost." It makes perfect sense to me why you don't like it. My heart is with you during this moment and every moment.
ReplyDeleteYou are a brilliant writer! I completely understand your thoughts on death. I feel the exact same way. I have a problem with people asking me how my father is doing. I know they mean well but when someone ask me that and they know what we are going through I feel that I must go in to detail so that they truly understand HOW he is doing. I'm pretty sure they really didn't want to know the details. Better be careful what you ask...
ReplyDeletedear Kathy, I think of you so often! your husband passed a few days after mine did from the same horrible disease. I too have the same feelings, I find myself feeling better about saying passed or passed away. I haven't reached the point where you were, uncomfortable saying that he died.my wish for you is that God's angels wrap their wings around you and protect you everyday as you go forward and I know how difficult that is I am just now at the point of trying to figure out who I am because I lost my self over the last 4 years as I'm sure you did too. God bless you and keep you safe.
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