I still say these words audibly every night.
The dog must think I'm talking to him. He snuggles in close.
My tears fall.
At times, I find myself missing my husband for all the things we didn't have.
For a few years, due to his Lewy Body dementia, we didn't even sleep in the same bed. He didn't always know who I was and much of the time didn't trust or like me. I soldiered on with his care and my love for him. The trenches of caregiving are not an easy place to be a lot of times.
Knowing my husband is no longer suffering, should make his absence feel "easier" for lack of a better word. But it's doesn't.
Before his diagnosis, he had issues I can now look back at and say were a result of his lewy body. Those issues resulted in him leaving me and being gone for 18 months. The odd thing about the feelings then and now, his absence still feels the same, I'm just not mad at him this time.
Where there was anger towards him and yet, still that small chance of hope for a reconciliation that did come, it has now been replaced with feelings of being hollow and the stark knowledge of "he can never, ever, EVER, come back".
You would think I would know what to expect, how to handle the next thing.
But I don't, I still hurt deeply inside and spend a lot of time praying for peace and guidance for my ever changing life.
Kathy, I say the same phrase to my husband every night..he passed in Nov. Last night it hit me that this is the new normal. Always attending events alone,going places alone,being the odd person out,etc. the only difference is how I meet this new norm. I have a choice..either meet it positively or sit and be miserable. I choose "joy". This may be easier said than done,but I am going to give it my best.
ReplyDeleteI'm with you, Pam.
DeleteI choose "joy" also.
Just having a hard time keeping hold to it, so I cling to "faith" with my eyes closed right now.
Thanks for the pick me up and the reminder :)
For me, when I lost of my husband, it wasn't going places and doing things alone as we experienced separations due to his work and then our work choices. What was difficult was going to a "new" event where both of us would have gone together and where we both had known people, hadn't seen them for a while and where those we hadn't seen for a very long time didn't know about his passing. Or, receiving announcements of events that come in life (high school or other reunions) and realizing as much as the spouse always dreads these events we'll never attend another ....together. There is no more, together in this life. But I have much to do; to share; to work to spread the word about LBD and advocate for Seniors and others who can't speak or act on their own and need our combined voices to raise the bar on understanding Dementia as Cancer once was, different types affecting the body and mind in different ways but deadly and fatal; esp Lewy Body Dementia.
ReplyDeleteThank you , Donna. I appreciate you sharing.
ReplyDeleteI too still educate about Lewy. Perhaps I always will.