The Daily Climb

I actually think too much about getting sucked into depression.
As of today I feel like I can confidently say I am not suffering with depression, I see a flick of light at the end of the tunnel, I have hope and I believe that the days will be better, I still have wants and dreams and ideas.
My future, although uncertain, doesn't feel bleak.
I am however sad, sad very deeply. I miss my husband, even though he was cranky and cantankerous and demanding and spoiled. He also had a sweet side I try to think of the most.
Because of him I wanted to be a better me, at times, in spite of him, I wanted to be a better me.
I still do for those same reasons.

My concerns for depression rise when I see and read other caregiving stories or comments about the passing of loved ones. not recently but months and even years ago. Now, I know there is NO time table on grief so that's not what I'm saying.
They seem stuck in a loop of coulda-shoulda that weighs them down with guilt like carrying a bag with heavy rocks.
This climb over the mountain is hard enough we don't need to be carrying any bags, let alone ones filled with guilt rocks, our own or anyone else's.  I want both hands free to grasp something I can cling to when I feel like I'm slipping down the slope of sadness. I need those that can show me the foot holds, take my hand, encourage me to take a breath, have a good cry when I need it, allow me to regroup when I struggle and I think I can't walk any more. I need those that will then stand me back up to continue the climb with me, be it beside me,
before me with a hand up or
behind me with support.

Yes, we all have our own feelings of coulda-shoulda. I think those are natural feelings for anyone at any part of our lives. Yet, in turn I want to be an encourager and not a rock adder.

I shared this with others a few days ago,

"If there was one thing I could go back and do different as a caregiver to my husband, on a good day or even a so so day, I would have taken a video of me telling him I love him and hope that he would respond with I love you, back.
Hind sight for me.
Seems like all I did was video the moments when things were bad so I could show the Drs his Lewy Body behaviors."

One coulda-shoulda comment left me with the feeling the responder had too many rocks in her bag. I wanted to remove some.

My reply:
"I wish I had done things differently too, been nicer, more patient, stopped asking questions I knew he would struggle to answer, helped more, helped less etc etc, but I could do that to myself all day every day and it would not have changed to outcome at all.

I did the best I could with what I knew, learned and had. I think I did a good job of it too considering all the ups and downs of lewy.

I'm moving forward, albeit slowly, but still moving towards being a whole person, proud that I made the effort. I educated, I cared physically and emotionally, most of all I loved my husband.

If a stranger told me I had let my husband down because I didn't do one more thing differently or try one more thing, I would probably punch them square in the nose. Nor am I about to self talk myself into guilt or depression. My thought was an observation, not a (self) chastisement. Maybe someone will use it to their benefit and God bless them for doing it.

You deserve a better trip into happiness in your life. The guilt train wont take you there.

 Psalm 94:18

When I said, “My foot is slipping,” your unfailing love, Lord, supported me.