Something Just Like It But Different

I'm feeling the shifting weight of this grief.
Some things feel a little easier to get through, face and do.
Some things feel like they are new and harder.

I've had to make changes to the lifestyle I had become accustomed to. Those particular changes were not difficult to make. Things, I can do without.

I'm making adjustments in my life by getting involved in volunteering so I don't feel like I'm trapped at home only doing things for myself. I believe I will enjoy this new venture.
Coming home to an empty house at an odd time is difficult though.

What I am grateful for is that I don't have to sort through it all at once. It comes in segments.

Today I made oatmeal

I thought I had rounded a corner of sorts.
Spoke with Habitat for Humanity and I'm looking forward to being involved in something constructive and less self. I even made a huge leap in self control when a day with errands that could have been emotionally breaking ended just tired.
Those errands included a visit to the funeral home to order my husbands V.A. plaque.
A final filing of the guardianship I had to file yearly, this one included his death certificate.
And the visit for information on volunteering. During that visit I told someone I needed to find a purpose for myself since my husband died. I didn't even choke up when I said it. That seemed huge to me.

Yes, it seemed that things might just be melding into a new normal.

This morning, I made a bowl of oatmeal.
As I stirred it, the whole world seemed to collapse and my tears fell with it.
UGH!
This grief roller coaster is as hard as the lewy body one.
I just want to ride the kiddy train now.

Do I have a purpose anymore?

This last week I've had more emotional days than I would have liked.
The numb is almost gone.
The slow motion is better, I still need to get motion and sound to sync up.
It's all coming together. I hope.

NOBODY over analyze the following

I now feel as though I have a better understanding as why when one spouse dies, the other does shortly thereafter.
For almost my entire married life I was blessed to be a stay at home wife and mother.
I worked when the going got tough and the tough had to get going and stopped when my husband had things financially stable for us, and at his insisted request.
He always liked the fact I was home.
Most of the time I liked it too as it left me available for our children and my husband.
Almost all of my activities were those my children or husband were involved in.
Other than the Ladies Church class there were few things I did separate from my family.

Now my children are grown, married with their own lives. My purpose was fulfilled in their care, guidance and social development.
Now that my husband is gone, my purpose as his wife has been fulfilled as his lover, helpmate, sparring partner and more recently caregiver. 

So now what?
I've not been driven by anything towards anything.
I'm feeling empty and adrift.
My days are occupied and I appreciate that.
Yet I've pondered what the next steps are.
I've prayed for guidance and direction.
I don't want to live the rest of my life just going through the motions.
I'm tired and I'll be glad when my time here on this earth is over so I can just go "home".
I'm not looking to make that happen any sooner than it is supposed to so take a breath.

I hear and read, "Take care of yourself. It's time for you". Heck, I've even said it to others and to myself.
"Find something you enjoy" I just don't know what that is yet.
"Don't make any big decisions for at least a year." Good advise, now if I could just feel confident to make a few small ones.
"Don't forget to eat" I WISH that was a problem :/
I realize this is the process but my oh my how much effort it takes to even breathe some days.
So I need to find a way to wiggle out from under the weight of this grief, even a little.

And, I may have found my wiggle room.
I don't want to stay home taking care of the yard and the house all the time.
I want to be able to do something for someone else.
So I think I'm going to check into volunteering for Habitat for Humanity.
I enjoy working with tools and being able to bang on things in a productive manner seems like a good thing.
Maybe I can hammer out some purpose.

Revolving Door of Grief

Over the last few days I've been experiencing some anxiety.
I also have this very odd sensation that my husband will just walk in the door.
So it feels like, I'm waiting for his return.

Yes, I do have a lot of things going on and I'm trying to keep them prioritized into, rational and irrational, justified and unjustified, necessary and unnecessary.
I'm trying to continue to find where it is I belong in this new life. Everything feels so hard. I struggle with concentration yet and I'm still locked in the inability to sync words and actions. Is this what A.D.D. feels like? Bless those that have that, if it is.

I think the worst for me is the "self" bubble. I have a difficult time not thinking about me and my pain, physical and emotional. I'm either disconnected to others or so empathetic that I feel their pain and anguish.

All of this is getting a little better though, just progressing slowly.

I try, just not too hard, to stay in the caregiver loop and I want to stay in the Lewy Body one as well, I just find myself annoyed in general and as of today angry at my husband.
I've been reading articles relating to dementia and caregiver comments as well as things from others that have lewy body.
I read how they are still fighting their disease by exercise or actively involved in therapy. Traveling as much as they can, willingly participating in activities as their minds and bodies allow.
And I'm jealous that they do.
I'm angry that my husband wouldn't even try.
I'm angry with myself for being angry.

That's today though.

Tomorrow will probably be some other off the wall emotion.
I'll just need to get these tears over and done with first.

The Horn Blast of Grief

My husband bought this very loud horn once. He found it at a flea market and he and a friend each purchased one. Why did they want a loud horn? They were grown up boys. They liked honking it when people least expected it just to scare or startle them. Then they would cackle in heaps of laughter at their antics.
I myself have been the recipient of that horn blast on numerous occasions.
I knew it was in the house, I even knew where it was. There were times I caught the sneaky look in my husbands eye as his gaze was fixed on it's location or I would catch him in the act of retrieving it. Even after I said don't honk that thing at me, as soon as I turned my back to him, he still did it anyway. Sometimes I would jump even though I knew it was coming. But his most fun was catching me off guard and blasting me causing me to yelp! That usually happened when I was busy in another part of the house or outside and did not see or hear him come home.

I know, you probably think, the girl is lost to grief.

Well, no, not really. That crazy horn makes me think of grief though.

You see, like the horn, I know grief exists.
I know that there will be times I will need to be prepared for it to hit me.
All of the BIG things, holidays, celebrations, family gatherings.
I can cover my ears and wait for the honk , power through it and move on.

Then there are the small triggers, unexpected mail, a song on the radio, smells, tastes, sights, stillness.
I may not know it's coming but I understand why when it does. Many times I can't hold back the tears. I just go with the moment, have a good cry and move on.

But oh, those silent moments when grief hits you. No warning, no trigger, just BAM!
That's when I YELP the loudest. When I feel the worst. That is when I think maybe I have lost it.
That is when I feel most distressed and confused. I have no idea what I'm crying for, I'm just crying or sobbing.
My faith tells me it won't last forever. I just need time.

Ecclesiastes 3:1,2,4

1 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: 2 a time to be born and a time to die,... 4 a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,

The Mourning...and the Mourning After

All but one day, I feel like I'm on auto pilot.
I can tell it's wearing off though.
Reality is chipping away at the active defense I've put up.
Some days, I would like nothing more than to collapse into a puddle of tears or scream to the top of my lungs until I couldn't make any more noise and can barely breathe.
I hurt, physically besides emotionally but I can't pin point what hurts.

For an unknown reason, I had a very emotionally difficult day yesterday. Nothing significant happened to cause it, they just happen.  It's not the first time, I'm sure it wont be the last but I trudged through to the end and everyone survived it.
This morning, I finished my coffee, walked in to the bathroom to get dressed for the day and realized. I never changed out of my clothes from the day before! I was still fully dressed even to my socks! Must have been tougher on me than I thought. 

Now here's the odd part, when my husband left me before we knew he had dementia, I felt the same way.
My feelings are exactly the same with the exception that, I'm not angry at him.
This time I'm not fueled from the hurt, embarrassment and suffering he caused, seeking to inflict misery on him.
This time I don't feel rejected or worthless.
This time I don't feel shunned or ashamed.
This time there is no hope of him returning to me, ever.

I feel hollow/numb/ with an outward layer of emotion.
Like a newly painted box.
From the outside you see it's a box.
One would wonder what treasures it might hold inside.
But when you look inside, there's appears to be nothing there.
And upon touching it, you notice the paint hasn't dried yet.

I miss so much the reconciliation we were making before it was cut off by Lewy Body Dementia.
I miss his presence, even all the "Honey" he gave me.
I miss the dreams we never got a chance to start.
I miss giggling at the confusion that made us both laugh.
I miss him shuffling over to my bed for a kiss goodnight.
I miss his shiny hazel blue eyes.

I miss him and what should have been.
This time as well as the last.

Are you married?

I was caught up in a lighthearted and fun moment with some teenagers. Strangers to me that were filling an order for food I had made.
In the moment I responded in an over exaggerated "Mother" tone that brought smiles and laughter. One of the young men asked me, "Are you married?"
For a fraction of a moment, my whole world stopped but my brain kicked into overdrive.
I wanted to say, "Yes" after all, my head and heart are still married even if I'm not physically.
I didn't want to say "no" since I thought I would need to offer explanation and that would throw water on the moment we all seemed to be enjoying. I would be walking out of the building and I didn't want lingering  unease for the person that asked.
How do I answer?! how do I answer?!
So I did the only logical thing I could think of,
I answered with "It might just be your lucky night."
We all just belly laughed as the young person blushed.
I paid my bill and walked out.
Although the moment wasn't broken, the question lingered in my mind.
"Are you married?"
This time the question offered in the moment wasn't really an actual question.
But what about the time it will be?
How do I answer...

How do I answer?

Peaceful Moment

For the first time, in the nearly 7 weeks since my husband died, I wanted to go and do something.
Oh, sure, I have left the house for things I had to do, needed to do and was obligated to do, but this time was different. This time I had a desire to leave the house because I wanted to.
Even though there were non priority errands to care for, the mood was different in caring for them.
I enjoyed the meandering in the store even though I was picking up a few items.
I decided to stop and grab a late lunch, early supper, or as my husband and I used to call it, "old people's supper". Just sitting quietly observing the staff  and patrons.
The stress of  "hurry" was gone.
A sense of peace filled my mind.
I enjoyed the outing.

The Winds of Change

SO many changes!
Even the weather is changing.
Some changes for the better, some feel worse and I have very little to no control over any of them.
So I decided I needed a hair cut. And I did. a dramatic cut from long to very short.
That seems like a small thing but an important step in my independence and self care.
My caregiving had ended for another, now it is time to take care of me.

Changes to my life and my lifestyle couldn't be avoided so I have had to make adjustments to them. It's either that or find myself trapped in the black hole of depression that I keep scrambling to avoid.
I keep clinging to the only thing in my life that hasn't changed. My faith.

 Hebrews 13:8

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.